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An [Irreverent] Analysis of Super Powers

A friend asked me the other day that if I could have a super power, would I rather have the ability to fly or to be invisible. I’ve had this asked several times before, and I’m pretty sure I’ve changed my answer each time I’ve been asked. To be able to fly means you don’t have to worry about modes of transportation the same way everyone else does, yet to be invisible means you can avoid that ex that keeps stalking you down the “International” aisle at the grocery store. However, if your flying is limited and you can’t go faster than a speeding bullet like Superman, flying wouldn’t be nearly as useful. Might as well just pay Delta to take you to Singapore if it’s going to take you a couple days to make it there… at least they’ll feed you peanuts on the 16 hour flight. And being invisible is really only useful for sneaky or malicious reasons, like stealing or listening in to conversations you’re not meant to hear, not a very respectable superpower.

How about some of the other known super powers? You have superhuman strength¹; however, that seemed to come along with some nasty color side effects. X-ray vision²…but who really wants to see that? Shape shifting³ actually seems pretty useful, like playing Spy in Team Fortress 2, until you’re standing next to the person you’ve shape shifted into and they realize you’re a fraud and shoot you.

You have the tele’s: telekinesis⁴, telepathy⁵, teleportation⁶…technopathy⁷? I’m pretty sure I’m as technically pathetic as I need to be, adding to that would not make me any more super. To be able to control things with your mind would be unbelievably useful when you’re sitting around watching episodes of Big Bang Theory and don’t want to have to move to go get a big bowl of Samoas ice cream and haven’t yet figured out how to train your cat to get it for you without getting fur in it… just make the ice cream scoop itself. Edward proved that reading minds just turns you into a stalker, especially when there’s some horrible actress out there whose mind you can’t read, causing you to fall into ridiculous infatuation. Teleportation does pretty much kick flying’s butt in regards to travel, although the ride there doesn’t seem like it’d be nearly as relaxing as riding the sky.

Body part substitution⁸ leaves you with three hands and a tail. Superhuman breath⁹ is not something you want to wake up to in the morning. Power augmentation¹⁰ is for sidekicks (but we still love you Ando!). Intuitive aptitude¹¹ means you can understand something without having to learn it, which is what made Sylar so hardcore and the only thing that made Heroes worth watching past the first season…however, it also made for a villian since the need to gain knowledge takes the person over completely.

In addition, since I wasn’t born with a super power, in order to obtain one at this point in my life would mean that I would need to be in a nuclear accident or go eat some of the herbicides I’m brewing… and really, that’s just deforming. Do I really want to go through all the reconstructive surgery and/or know that guys are only interested in me because of my super power, not because of my looks, for the rest of my life? I just don’t think I’m willing to commit to that. And I’m far too lazy to seek out a mad scientist…so I’m going to stick to my own personal super powers that I already possess. Procrastination and short term memory loss. When was I going to end this post?

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If you want to read up on some ridiculous list of many of the superpowers that have been used in fiction, Wikipedia is always a reliable, highly credible source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_superhuman_features_and_abilities_in_fiction

And unfortunately, I’m sure www.superpowerlist.com *would* be a great resource, except it was hacked into and destroyed by Russians. That’s what you get for being a sidekick…

1.Hulk
2. Peepers aka Peter Quinn
3. Mystique
4. Jean Grey
5. Piccolo from DBZ, Edward Cullen (brooding vamp extraordinaire)
6. Nightcrawler
7. Micah (Heroes)
8. Terror
9. Superman
10. Ando (Heroes)
11. Sylar! (Heroes)