In His Arms

I've been reading a lot lately...it is nice to have time to actually read. I feel myself falling back into an old pattern, when I used to stick to my introvertedness and read like crazy in high school. I taught myself in college to break that habit; it helped that I lived with two of my best friends, who were much more extroverted than I, and that I didn't have time to keep up with books when school sucked up as much time as possible. Then, moving out to Michigan, there was always something to do, my schedule was always so full. My schedule has started emptying as of late, and I appreciate that I have time to just relax and sink into books. I think I worried myself the other day that I was going to trap myself back into my old introvert prison, but I've decided I'm just going to enjoy this while it lasts.

The books I've been reading as of late talk primarily about a relationship between a guy and a girl... it's a high school relationship, so of course it is obsessive and full of drama. But it is intense and passionate. The way the author describes it... I have trouble with it because I feel like that sort of love isn't actually possible in this world. I completely understood the girl's pain when the guy left thinking he was protecting her, but I can't completely comprehend the feelings between them both. Or at least I was thinking that I'd never experience it.

In the books, they often just lay in her bed and talk until she drifts off to sleep, and he stays by her side to keep her safe and warm. I can understand this, although it hurts just a little. I have to say, this is one of my biggest struggles in a relationship. I became a Christian in college, and prior to that, I had no concept of what was right in a relationship. I hadn't even been in a relationship before I became a Christian. I think God was holding me off because He knew that I would have no reason to hold off on things that I would regret later. Anyways, when I actually did get into college and in a relationship, I started watching the Christians around me and their relationships, wanting a model for what Godly relationships were like. It changed the way I perceived relationships in a lot of ways.

However, one of the things I noticed was that everyone would still stay the night with the other person. It was normal that even though you were careful and didn't go past cuddling and sleeping, it wasn't a big deal in any way to spend the night together and sleep in the same bed. So I saw this as alright by Christian standards because you weren't breaking any rules.

The only time I rethought this at all during college was when my best friend Sarah made the choice that she would not do that ever again until she was married. Sarah had walked away from God our freshman year and ended up in a relationship that was sexual and not healthy. She left him and came back go God, but she still had those memories. She talked about the temptation, and that since she had felt that, she wanted it more, and needed to be more careful to remove it from her life so that she couldn't fall into it. I really respected her for recognizing that and being strong enough to remove it. It wasn't until I moved away that I rethought it for myself. No, it was not a sexual temptation for me, but it could be a temptation in itself. It's like an addiction, being able to lay in someone's arms and be that close to them, that safe and warm. I think it's an attachment that isn't meant to be shared with everyone. I had made a decision that it was something I shouldn't do anymore. But when I started dating Jeff, he would find ways to stay over even though I told him to leave... he knew how to put me to sleep by playing with my hair, or would talk until I gave in. It's not like it was completely his fault; I was weak, I let myself be weak. And he was persistent. It was not good. We discussed it and agreed we should stop, but I think he felt rejected when I would walk him to my door and force him out rather than letting him put me to bed, that I put up walls to ensure it stopped. It was hard, and it didn't always work. But I know I need to be stronger; watching our relationship and what happened with it, I know I don't want that, I don't want to be in something where I feel weak and far away from God. It's an extremely painful lesson.

On Saturday, I had gotten up early to start my morning right before meeting up with Janell to hang out, giving myself enough time to read a chapter from my book. It was the chapter when he was leaving her... he was starting to pull away, so he stopped staying with her at night, and she was having a hard time sleeping, fighting nightmares. It was agonizing, and it really affected me. I was down about it for most of the morning. I was tired of listening to all of the love songs on the radio, so I started flipping through stations, hoping I had one of the obnoxious screaming rock stations still saved in my presets. I ended up falling on KLove, which I almost never listen to. The song playing was God saying that he was by my side always, that His hands were holding me, that He was there when I slept. I started crying pretty hard. I listened after the song ended to find out what song it was, I desperately wanted the song as soon as I got home, and the first thing the DJ said was that he knew that song was being played for someone, that someone out there desperately needed to hear that. Maybe there are multiple people God played that for, but I know I desperately needed it. It was convicting and breaking at the same time, and it instantly changed me.

I'm so amazed at Him, I still don't completely understand this love that He continually gives me unrelentingly, I don't feel like I deserve it. But I realize it doesn't matter. And that He is holding me the way I long to be held, keeping me safe and warm. That's all I need, and I find strength in that. I know that in Him I can overcome my temptations and my weakness, that He is loves me passionately, and that I'm hurting us both when I run to others to find what He offers me so freely. I am having trouble understanding it, I'm having trouble thinking that it is possible that I could be loved that way. But He keeps teaching me, calling to me, and all I want is to run to Him.


"Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go"
~"By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North

Relationships

I'm really struggling right now with the situation with Jeff, my ex-boyfriend. We had broken up on mutual terms and worked on building a friendship together. However, that proved harder than either of us thought, and we got caught telling each other we missed each other and still loved one another still. Bad news. We agreed we both needed to take steps back and not see each other as much, especially alone. Yet he would show up at my apartment to see me still, and then be hurt when I refused to touch him or be close to him. He wanted me to come with him to his friend's wedding this weekend, which I told him was not a good idea, and then he was hurt when he asked if I wanted him to stop by so I could see him in his tux and I said no. Finally, over the weekend, he said something I thought was inappropriate, and I got pretty mad. He then told me that all we've ever done is fight since we broke up, and that he has not yet gotten any sort of break from me, and that he thinks it would be best for us to stop talking completely. I wasn't very happy about this either because I wasn't having issues talking. However, since we stopped talking, I know he's been telling people about it. I realize he is a relational person and needs to be able to talk things through, but I feel like he has gone to mutual friends in an effort to get them on his side, and I feel somewhat betrayed. I changed settings on my online calendar so that he couldn't see what I was doing, but could still see busy/available, without realizing that would send him an email. He then told everyone that I was trying to contact him and was having a hard time with this. He has contacted me several times this week through texts, and I've politely wrote back with as little as possible (because I frankly don't know how to be rude enough to ignore anyone completely). He is also telling everyone that this is for my good, and that he needs to step up to be the man and the leader. I agree with that, but I don't think he has done that.

I'm thinking that cutting each other off may actually be the best thing now, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to continue it even after the one week is over. I'd rather not give him more to tell other people about; I've never had someone gossip about me and tear me down to others so much in my entire life. I had really thought that we could still have a good friendship after ending our relationship, I thought this was going to be the best case scenario of things not working out....apparently it really is impossible to be friends after a relationship ends.

Trials and Temptations

Trials

I'm struggling right now. I'm not happy with where I am, and I don't know that I want to be here anymore. Outside of my friends from work, I feel like my relationships aren't very true here- they're for the most part superficial and easily ignored to others. I've been struggling with this for a month now. In addition, work is currently going through layoffs. At first, I was not affected by these at all. But as time has progressed and the company has gotten into further trouble, it has become apparent that it is a very real possibility. That was made more real when I found out that a friend found out on Thursday that he will be laid off. It is becoming a scary reality.

In the midst of all of this though, God is speaking pretty clearly. We're studying James in church as well as small group. The topic has been trials and temptations. It seems like this has been what God has been saying to me at all angles, because the verses of the day that I've heard have been about this all week, and it has come from quite a few other places also.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2-3

It is definitely hard to find joy in trials. If my whole world is turned upside down and I am feeling completely lost, how am I supposed to be joyful? However, looking through some of the trials I've experienced in college and how God has worked His hand in my life, I know that He always has a plan, and that I will come out on the other side to where He wants me to be. Every trial has a lesson, and every trial is also an opportunity to be a testament to God and be a light to others. However, just because God puts us through trials doesn't mean we're going to come out of them shining; they require an active response from us.

Temptations

"But each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." James 1:14-15

Jeff has been a temptation to me since we broke up, because there are times when we start falling back into each other, allowing ourselves to tell each other we miss one another or saying I love you. I had it in my mind that it was the devil tempting me, but I'm pretty sure that it was in fact my own desire that I allowed to tempt me. Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes in his book "Temptation": "Satan does not fill us with hatred for God, but with forgetfulness of God." Reminds me of the Screwtape Letters. It is much easier to fall into temptation when you block God from your thoughts and focus on what you want.

"Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:16-17

The final point in James this past week shifts back to God's goodness and how, when we focus on Him and chase His good, temptations dissolve. Rather than always trying to fight away temptation and constantly work on battling it, our focus should be running after God in all things, and those temptations will naturally disappear. We must "refuse and remove" temptation, remove it from our lives...when it presents itself, don't battle it, but walk away from it and toward God. I've been working on this very actively, and though it can be hard when it comes again and again, I'm finding that God is teaching me to watch only Him, and with Him, I can overcome anything.

Post Numero Uno

So I've debated over starting a blog for quite a while now, and I gave in because I really want to start journaling my thoughts about God and all that He is teaching me, and I'd rather share it than keep it to myself. Now that said, that doesn't mean I want the entire world to see this =) I just want it available. Therefore, if this gets around, then maybe I'll have to pull out the old pen and paper. But we'll give it a shot. You'll have to wait for more later though...