Am I in Jesus's Way?

Spoken in Casting Crown's "What This World Needs"...

"People aren't confused by the gospel,
They're confused by us.

Jesus is the only way to God,
But we are not the only way to Jesus.

This world doesn't need
My tie, my hoodie,
My denomination, or my translation of the Bible-
They just need Jesus.

We can be passionate about what we believe,
But we can't strap ourselves to the gospels
Because we're slowing it down.

Jesus is going to save the world,
But maybe the best thing we can do
Is just get out of the way."

I don't think I am in Jesus's way, but I definitely wonder if I hinder Him sometimes. I'm so human, so sin-bound and full of flaws, I know I mess it up. But I also know God loves me so fully, and I love him, that I work harder each day to focus on Him and turn away from things that I let lead me astray. I'm so glad I have Him, and I want so badly for others to see this too. And to see that all of the silly arguments over denomination, squabbles about the imperfectly human translations of the Bible, all of the things that make us so human, mean absolutely nothing in the light of Jesus Christ.

PS. I'm obsessed with Casting Crowns lately. "Praise you in this Storm" speaks to me so much, I feel like I could have written the song myself if I had a single creative bone in my body. And "Slow Fade" and it's video put a lump in my throat...in a good way somehow. I'm not sure how Casting Crowns got in my head and wrote so many songs that are so applicable to me...but they did. First actual CDs I've bought in a long long time now...

Restless

The restlessness I've been feeling has definitely been growing lately. Garrett led a discussion on anxiety in Small Church this weekend too, which actually tremendously increased my anxious feelings. I assume it's because God is preparing me for something, though I've begun realizing that that doesn't mean it will be anytime soon. I just feel like something is supposed to change, and I keep waiting for it to happen. Plus I'm watching everyone change around me. During House Church, it was brought up that Bruce is retiring from Dow Corning and taking the package they're offering, Karin is finishing her internship and leaving, Jon Fields is leaving for YWAM at the end of March, Shannon is putting her focus on Cambodia and the sex slave issue, and Jen just got back from her Russia mission trip. And I have nothing but restless feelings. It's really difficult sometimes to wait on God's timing. Maybe that is part of what this is.

I did get a call from Christina this weekend. Leadership in Texas has their eye on her, she's deemed fast track material. However, she has expressed the fact that she's not very happy down there, and they told her they were willing to move her to Midland if she felt she would be happier up here. She asked if it would be possible to have her friend in Midland moved down there. This coming from the fact that I had expressed to her that I had thought about moving to Texas, or putting my resume out and seeing what happened. However, I've thought about it quite a bit, and first, I feel like I wouldn't be transferred because of my own accomplishments, but because Dow loves my friend and therefore is willing to move me. I talked to my dad about that, and he said not to think of it that way because it gives me the opportunity to prove myself and puts me in contact with leadership down there instantly because they were willing to go out of their ways to put me in a position I want. But that leads me into my second reason. There is not a position in Texas I currently want. Mostly because the place I am in right now is the best opportunity I could have; I love my job, Ag is doing the best in the company, and there are a million opportunities for me here. I am not excited about jobs in Texas at all. I wondered if maybe this was the sign I keep waiting for God to flash in front of me, but the fact that I don't want to do it and that it hasn't even come up as a point of conversation again indicates to me that this isn't the next step. But it is a definite possibility if I want it to be.

I have realized that I can't complain too much...even if I'm waiting to figure out something that seems more permanent, in the interim, I wrote down my travel for the year and was quite surprised to see how much I'm really doing:
Feb: U.P. Michigan, California
April: Texas
May: Minnesota
June: Georgia
July: California
September: South Carolina

...That pretty much covers all sides of the country; so I guess I feel better knowing that I'm at least doing something...

Because Just Ok Is Not Enough...

I'm on a blogging spree!

I've been obsessed with this song lately, I've even been dreaming about it. The words really speak to me, so I'm going to share it here...

Matthew West "The Motions"
This might hurt
It's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care
If I break
At least I'll be feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming
Passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?

No regrets
Not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

‘Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming
Passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?

Take me all the way
(take me all the way)
Take me all the way
('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
Take me all the way
(I know I'm finally feeling something real)
Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming
Passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?

Stories from the Hole

All vagueness of late aside, I've been making a valiant effort to actually hang out with people and set aside the moroseness (excuse me if I start getting unusually wordy...I just read Dylan's blog and am talking to him, and somehow that causes me to want to be creatively wordy the way he is...and even though that doesn't bode well, that doesn't mean I don't subconsciously try to imitate, then reread my ranting sentence and try to figure out why in the world I used those words. End run-on sentence.)

Greg is back for his spring break, so last night, Dylan, Greg and I relived our glory days of cheap Tuesday night movies and saw Slumdog Millionaire. An excellent movie I must say. Though Dylan and Greg were so overjoyed by their reunion that it was a man date that I tagged along for. They get into their rants, it's hilarious to listen to, but I was much too tired to even begin to come up with something to cleverly interject into the conversation at 9pm at night. Don't judge me!

I've also decided to take some of the "Learn Tennis Fast!!!!1!!1" Tennis lessons at the Tennis Center since I haven't the darndest idea how to play, and it'll give me something to do. Plus, it's always nice to be surrounded by other people that are just as incompetent as you so that when you get hit in the face with a tennis ball, Black Eye Sally is right there by your side sympathizing.
I'm also cornering Shannon and J. Loo to talk about Real stuff. Well, Shannon asked me so that we could discuss small groups, but I am cornering J. Loo. I've been frustrated with Real and am somewhat motivated to try and find ways to improve it and help get it back on it's feet. It's frustrating because it definitely feels like few people care anymore, and I've been tired of hearing complaints with no action. I know I can't be the VP of Operations at Real Co., but I at least have a voice. And I really care. Regardless of how down I've been feeling, Real is important to me and is why Midland felt like home so quickly to me, and I don't want others to miss out on that. But if something doesn't change, it'll all come crashing down. Unacceptable!

Well, my steam tables are calling to me again, so I'm off to munch on muffins and clementines while hiding in my hole. If ever in doubt, ask: What Would Google Do? Google would not try to do a JV with an unstable government, that's for sure.

Avalanche

The rock has already fallen, the avalanche is about to start...there's no way to stop it. It's painful to watch, painful to be so close to it. I really just want to hide and protect him, but I'm not that person anymore, if I ever was. And everyone will find out regardless; it'll be a little too glaringly obvious. I feel somewhat lost as to God's purpose. I realize that He has a plan, that everything going on has a purpose regardless of mistakes made... but I still don't completely understand. I guess I have to be alright with never understanding though, because His purpose may not be for anything anytime soon. It just amazes and scares me that He could make a blessing out of a mistake. Even if he doesn't realize it's a blessing yet. He definitely won't feel like it is anytime soon. It really scares me.

I finally sat down and talked to one of the pastors about the situation. It felt good to finally talk to someone about it, to get things off my chest that have been suffocating me for weeks. It helped that he already knew the situation, so I didn't feel like I was spreading things that didn't necessarily concern me. He had some really good insight and advice, helped guide me on how to handle things.

I've typed about a dozen different things in this paragraph to say, but I've deleted all of them. I basically don't know how to end this post. So we'll bring it back to Scripture with the verse of the day...

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”- Isaiah 55:8-9