I'm off to see the wizard tomorrow....the wizard being my family of course. Although nowhere near Kansas, it will be quite the adventure. My car Oz and I will be trekking the 15 hour cross country trip together (yes, I did in fact name my car Oz, but no relation to the wizard). I've thoroughly prepared for this trip. And by thoroughly, I mean I have waited until the last minute to determine some of the things I need to shop for, decide that I want to try an audiobook for the first time without having yet procurred one, and, oh yes...do laundry. Somewhat essential when you're trying to pack clothes.
I'm also in the process of trying to borrow a GPS, because over the course of 15 hours, I'd rather not have to look down every half hour at a Google Maps printout and try to figure out where I am, I'd rather it be told to me. I'm not quite sure how people survived in the stone age 20 years ago when they had to map out routes themselves and weren't instantly told that the route they *thought* would be the quickest is in fact 2 hours longer than other routes on their 90 minute trip. I remember a cross-country road trip with my family going from Colorado out to South Carolina one summer, and my mom wasn't able to come with us, so I took my natural birthright, sat up front, and was in charge of the map. I soon found that as a preteen, this was a very mundane task, and there were far more enjoyable things to do, like sleep or melt crayons on the truck seats. The minute we hit Dallas/Ft. Worth, the road T'd in 4 directions, my dad had no idea which one he was supposed to take, and there were enough cars on the road to sink a battleship. I don't react well under pressure, so the instant my dad started stressing, I started panicking and blanked. What was this sheet in front of me? Why did it have lines with numbers? I wouldn't know. After 20 minutes of battling traffic with only ONE (that's, right, count them!) wrong turn, we made it out safely. And I made a vow 10 years later to never take a roadtrip based on a human's mapping skills alone again.
So wish me luck as I start my journey at the unreal hour of 4am. And pray that, unlike my brother's last cross-country roadtrip, my credit card isn't cancelled and my cell phone doesn't get turned off because my bill can't be paid since I have no credit card...
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
J&M to the C
The past few weeks have been a flurry of transition. Jon and Mandy are officially gone and Christina is officially moved in. J&M left this morning for training in Philadelphia for the next couple of days, and then off to Kenya for the Peace Corp. We spent all afternoon Friday helping them pack up their apartment into a Uhaul followed by goodbyes. It's like the end of an era; the 5 of us started together two years ago, and now with J&M gone, there's only 2 of us left. The Scoobies have been some of my closest friends here in Midland, and I think the rest of us will fall away from each other somewhat now. But it's been easier to say goodbye knowing what an exciting experience and opportunity J&M are off to. We're continuing our shelf-hanging party tradition tonight in memory of them, so at least we're making efforts to hang out still.
Outside of trying to spend as much time with J&M before they left, I've been spending the rest of my time helping Christina get moved in. We spent the last couple of weekends painting and fixing things up... for having been there a week, it looks amazingly impressive. We had a Halloween "party" Saturday.... consisting of 7 people since we did it last minute, and it was really just hanging out. But it was an opportunity for her to show off her new place a little, and an excuse for the rest of us to dress up like nerds. Jen and I were coming from chaperoning the Xtreeme costume party; I opted to be a Greek goddess this year, mostly because I somehow magically had everything I needed except the white dress, so I got a few yards of fabric from Joann's for $10 and Christina pinned it into a really cool garment. One of my favorite costumes ever.
Currently, I am working with my dad on our trip to Australia/New Zealand. I've been so busy, I haven't been able to think about it, and considering I have a Thanksgiving trip to South Carolina for a week and a Christmas trip to Colorado for likely two weeks, it seems like it's eons away... but recently my dad reminded me that it's less than 90 days away (which suddenly makes me realize that I'll be doing 5 weeks of traveling in the next 90 days!!). So I'm finally getting pumped up about New Zealand, especially looking at all of our excursion options.
It's going to be great that it is just my dad and I because we have the same personality and interests, so we don't have to compromise with anyone else. As we've been going through the excursions, we've been automatically eliminating many of the sightseeing tours and instead looking at things like blackwater rafting in caves and kayaking to remote albatross breeding grounds. Not sure how much of that we will actually get to do because my dad, despite thinking he is invincible, does not have the knees anymore to do some of those things. However, we did recently have an argument about whether we should go bungee jumping or skydiving, so I'm sure we'll find adventurous things to do regardless. I'm also pushing to go on one of the Lord of the Rings tours, purely because I think that would be one of the coolest ways to see some of the awesome nature on the interior part of New Zealand.
Also, on a final note, I'd just like to say that TV tray Thai meals need far more than the 5 minutes it tells you for the noodles to soak... Thai just does not taste very good when the noodles are rubbery and wiry! Not a good lunch...
Outside of trying to spend as much time with J&M before they left, I've been spending the rest of my time helping Christina get moved in. We spent the last couple of weekends painting and fixing things up... for having been there a week, it looks amazingly impressive. We had a Halloween "party" Saturday.... consisting of 7 people since we did it last minute, and it was really just hanging out. But it was an opportunity for her to show off her new place a little, and an excuse for the rest of us to dress up like nerds. Jen and I were coming from chaperoning the Xtreeme costume party; I opted to be a Greek goddess this year, mostly because I somehow magically had everything I needed except the white dress, so I got a few yards of fabric from Joann's for $10 and Christina pinned it into a really cool garment. One of my favorite costumes ever.
Currently, I am working with my dad on our trip to Australia/New Zealand. I've been so busy, I haven't been able to think about it, and considering I have a Thanksgiving trip to South Carolina for a week and a Christmas trip to Colorado for likely two weeks, it seems like it's eons away... but recently my dad reminded me that it's less than 90 days away (which suddenly makes me realize that I'll be doing 5 weeks of traveling in the next 90 days!!). So I'm finally getting pumped up about New Zealand, especially looking at all of our excursion options.
It's going to be great that it is just my dad and I because we have the same personality and interests, so we don't have to compromise with anyone else. As we've been going through the excursions, we've been automatically eliminating many of the sightseeing tours and instead looking at things like blackwater rafting in caves and kayaking to remote albatross breeding grounds. Not sure how much of that we will actually get to do because my dad, despite thinking he is invincible, does not have the knees anymore to do some of those things. However, we did recently have an argument about whether we should go bungee jumping or skydiving, so I'm sure we'll find adventurous things to do regardless. I'm also pushing to go on one of the Lord of the Rings tours, purely because I think that would be one of the coolest ways to see some of the awesome nature on the interior part of New Zealand.
Also, on a final note, I'd just like to say that TV tray Thai meals need far more than the 5 minutes it tells you for the noodles to soak... Thai just does not taste very good when the noodles are rubbery and wiry! Not a good lunch...
Monday, October 26, 2009
The food incident
In a valiant effort to escape consumption later this afternoon, my pasta attempted murder/foodicide (much like the newly learned term 'bullycide') this morning by opening it's container in hopes that it would spill out all over my bag and take down the rest of the food with it.
Little did it know that despite my carelessness, I was much looking forward to it's yumminess in a few hours and was not willing to allow any such spillages to occur. So now it is taking a time-out in the refrigerator.
Maybe someday you'll get a real post again =) Until then, au revoir senorita...
Little did it know that despite my carelessness, I was much looking forward to it's yumminess in a few hours and was not willing to allow any such spillages to occur. So now it is taking a time-out in the refrigerator.
Maybe someday you'll get a real post again =) Until then, au revoir senorita...
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Autumn
Fall is quite possibly my favorite time of year, especially in Michigan. Colorado had a beautiful fall too, but it literally pales in comparison to the colors of a Michigan autumn. I’m pretty sure that if and when I leave Michigan, one of the things I will miss the most about the area is the fall. The weather that is cool enough for a comfy sweater, but still warm enough to be able to go outside and do any summer activity as well. And as all the harvest activities start, there are hayrides and apple cider or hot chocolate around a warming bonfire. Cornmazes and pumpkin patches, leaf piles and trick or treaters. The amazing color display of leaves through the huge trees in the region; vibrant reds and oranges with splashes of yellow. I drive the long back way to my church this time of year purely so I can enjoy the beautiful painting God has laid out so perfectly. And the awe-inspiring sunrises that God gives right when I’m driving into work this time of the year. During the summer, I get to drive to work at 7am and the sun is already up, I head home and the sun doesn’t go down until late. During the winter, the sun comes up after I’m already at work and is down before I leave work…talk about depressing. But during the fall, I get a sunrise each morning with enough light in the evening to feel like I haven’t lost the entire day, followed by a warm nightfall that tends to be a lot clearer than the rest of the year so that the stars can be seen shining brightly. My favorite!
I could go on, but really I just needed to express the bursting my heart feels this time of the year, and after sitting in my car staring at the sunrise for a while this morning, it couldn’t be contained anymore!
"By the word of the LORD were the heavens made,
their starry host by the breath of His mouth.
He gathers the waters of the sea into jars;
He puts the deep into storehouses."
Psalm 33:6-7
"The day is Yours, and Yours also the night;
You established the sun and moon.
It was You who set all the boundaries of the earth;
You made both summer and winter."
Psalm 74:16-17
I could go on, but really I just needed to express the bursting my heart feels this time of the year, and after sitting in my car staring at the sunrise for a while this morning, it couldn’t be contained anymore!
"By the word of the LORD were the heavens made,
their starry host by the breath of His mouth.
He gathers the waters of the sea into jars;
He puts the deep into storehouses."
Psalm 33:6-7
"The day is Yours, and Yours also the night;
You established the sun and moon.
It was You who set all the boundaries of the earth;
You made both summer and winter."
Psalm 74:16-17
Friday, September 18, 2009
Once More With Feeling
I am up at 5 in the morning in Charleston. In reality, I've been up since 4am. Although this may not be such an oddity at home, it is here. I'm back for my grandparents 50th anniversary, where my mom's side of the family is having somewhat of a reunion get-together as this side tends to be hermits and doesn't get together yearly the way my dad's side loves to do. Its been quite the hullabaloo getting everyone together, not the least of those being my sister. She has been especially unreliable lately now that she has her fiance and avoids talking or seeing the family as much as possible often. She told us weeks ago that he and she would both be gracing us with their presence out here, with no further details. She then informed us that they'd be getting their own hotel and rental car since family wasn't "ok" with them staying in the same room together. I then got to Charleston and found out that family didn't even know she was bringing him along. Then, as we tried to get details from her to know when she would be in, she started giving the go-around, telling us that he had reserved the flights and that she didn't know the details, she'd have to tell us later. After two days of calling and texting her continuously and being ignored, she finally emailed my mom today and told her that he and she would be flying into another town two hours away and would drive down with a rental car. Mind you, neither of them have credit cards or anything, so we're not sure how they expected to get a rental car. Not our problem when they're two hours away. And if that weren't fun enough, that's just about when the real fun started.
She then called me this morning at 4am in a panic to tell me that she found out he lied about the whole thing; he never got tickets, he was just telling her he did to make her happy, but they weren't actually going. I have no idea what the real story is, she has become such a pathological liar that we never know what is truth and what isn't. So I ended up getting up and scrambling to find a ticket for her so that she could still come out here. It leaves out of Denver at 7am. I might murder her and never talk to her again if she doesn't make the flight, which sounds like a distinct possibility because they keep doing other things (like stopping to put minutes on her phone or get cigarettes). And then she threw a fit at me when I told her it meant she was here until Tuesday, and that I shouldn't have booked the flight until she was on the road to the airport. I'm not quite sure why I even bothered to go out of my way to get her a ticket, I almost feel like I should have just let her stew and suffer rather than save her again when she keeps making mistakes.
Every time I'm around my family, I have a renewed realization that they make me an angrier person. They get so angry on the road, or make fun of people or handle things in not the best way, it sets me off or makes me boil. I prayed a good amount tonight for strength to handle these situations better; so it seems of course God gave me the opportunity to handle it better with a call at 4am. It's a struggle. I feel like screaming and letting out a lot of pent-up feelings right now. It's hard to have strength and patience and love when it's continually tried. I guess this is just calling for more 6am prayer now. Lots of prayer that she makes her flights and I don't take it out on her for the rest of the weekend...
She then called me this morning at 4am in a panic to tell me that she found out he lied about the whole thing; he never got tickets, he was just telling her he did to make her happy, but they weren't actually going. I have no idea what the real story is, she has become such a pathological liar that we never know what is truth and what isn't. So I ended up getting up and scrambling to find a ticket for her so that she could still come out here. It leaves out of Denver at 7am. I might murder her and never talk to her again if she doesn't make the flight, which sounds like a distinct possibility because they keep doing other things (like stopping to put minutes on her phone or get cigarettes). And then she threw a fit at me when I told her it meant she was here until Tuesday, and that I shouldn't have booked the flight until she was on the road to the airport. I'm not quite sure why I even bothered to go out of my way to get her a ticket, I almost feel like I should have just let her stew and suffer rather than save her again when she keeps making mistakes.
Every time I'm around my family, I have a renewed realization that they make me an angrier person. They get so angry on the road, or make fun of people or handle things in not the best way, it sets me off or makes me boil. I prayed a good amount tonight for strength to handle these situations better; so it seems of course God gave me the opportunity to handle it better with a call at 4am. It's a struggle. I feel like screaming and letting out a lot of pent-up feelings right now. It's hard to have strength and patience and love when it's continually tried. I guess this is just calling for more 6am prayer now. Lots of prayer that she makes her flights and I don't take it out on her for the rest of the weekend...
Friday, August 7, 2009
Darkness with no Light
Darkness is present when there is an absence of light. If you are in darkness proclaiming to be bringing the light, something isn't right.
Detroit, MI has more churches per capita than any other U.S. city. And yet it is one of the darkest cities in the country. Something isn't right.
~paraphrased from Harvey Carey's speech at the Leadership Summit this year (from the 15 minutes that I actually attended haha)
Detroit, MI has more churches per capita than any other U.S. city. And yet it is one of the darkest cities in the country. Something isn't right.
~paraphrased from Harvey Carey's speech at the Leadership Summit this year (from the 15 minutes that I actually attended haha)
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Rise and Shine and Give God the Glory, Glory!
Summer is already wrapping up, the days are cooling down, and somehow August has snuck up on me. I'm not quite sure how this happened or where the time went, but I don't feel like I've gotten to enjoy my summer nearly as much as summers past. I had plenty going on, which may have been part of what made it fly by. Whatever the reason, I'd prefer God rewind just a little bit and bring some more warm weather.
So I'm all done with weddings for now. Don't see any in the near future, though my sister got engaged a couple of weeks ago. I'm concerned about that; she's only been dating the guy since February, and he has already cheated on her. My brother was telling me that she doesn't treat him the best either, and that they go back and forth a lot and tend to bring out the immaturity in each other. My family isn't a fan of him, though they'll support her through whatever decision she makes. One good thing in it is that when she said yes, she gave him the condition that the date had to be at least a year out so that they could take real premarital counseling (not just the weekend type) so that they could work through some of the issues they have before entering into a marital relationship. I'm proud of her for at least having some head on her shoulder through this, because I know she gets caught up into things and carried away often. All I can do is pray for her and her decisions. Speaking of which, I suddenly feel like I don't pray for my family enough. I pray for them just in the sense that they're my family and I love them, but none of them are Christians, and I feel like I should be praying constantly for them to actually find God. I think about it a lot, but I don't think I lift it up to God as much as I should be. Something I would like to work on.
I also had the opportunity to go on the Xtreeme camping trip this past weekend. Xtreeme is the high school youth group at our church, and I'm going to be one of the leaders this year! I'm very excited, as I'm sure anyone around me lately could tell you since I keep talking about it. The camping trip was amazing. First of all, let me prefice by saying that I didn't plan on going on this trip...when I first heard about it in June when I had openly expressed my interest in helping out with Xtreeme this coming year, I really wanted to go because I love camping, but it required taking two days off of work, and I had no idea what my schedule would be looking like since I was told I'd be starting shiftwork sometime in August (turns out it'll be Aug 31st). I was also unable to make it to the planning meeting the week before the trip because I was gone for a wedding. So I chalked it up as I wasn't supposed to be going and let it go. But then Pastor Jeff text messaged me Tuesday or Wednesday last week asking me if I'd be interested in going with them. I knew I really wanted to, and I knew I had the vacation time, so I juggled meetings and got them moved around, cleared my schedule, and told him I'd go! I then started preparing myself to be patient because I know P.J. isn't a huge planner; he would much rather wing it, come what may then set a schedule for something. This is a huge clash for a person like me who likes planning things out and ensuring there is a time and place for everything. I didn't know where we were even going until we were on the road and I asked him. He had some tentative plans for the weekend, but figured we'd just make it up as we go. Luckily he had one of the moms pack all of the food, so that was planned out at the very least, but otherwise, we just winged the weekend. It was an open opportunity to practice patience and not let my nature get the best of me. It also made for a very relaxing weekend, making it feel like a nice mini vacation, which was nice after having the stress of all of the weddings plus work non-stop for the previous month.
Anyway, like I said, the trip was amazing. That group of kids are exceptional, it was so much fun to get to know them. I'm happy that I had the opportunity to get to know them and connect before Xtreeme actually starts and activities are non-stop, it was nice to have the weekend to sit around on the beach or around the campfire and chat with each of them at some point in the four days. It was also so cool to me to see how real most of their faiths are. They were really on fire about living out Jesus's example and telling their friends about him and keeping each other accountable. And the fact that it was such a wide mix of students, you had all the normal high school genres... cheerleader, nerd, geeks, jocks, hard rockers, and freshman through seniors were all represented. And they all got along; not just making it through the weekend without drama by avoiding each other, but everyone actually talked and hung out and got along with each other. I realize it may be different at school, but I was impressed to see that they didn't let those things come between them in any way on this trip. The coolest conversation I was a part of during the weekend was Monday night when one of the girls was texting a guy she has a crush on who is not Christian. She was trying to figure out how she is supposed to handle a situation like that, and 3 guys rallied around her and were coaching her through why it's important to be with Christians (one guy started rattling off all sorts of verses about being unequally yoked for her!), and how she could bring up the conversation with the guy. She ended up bringing it up somewhat over texts, so they were coaching her about what to say, what his responses meant according to the male mind, and just generally encouraging her about the whole situation while really working on keeping her accountable. I was very impressed with them, and I'm really excited to work with them this year and keep pushing them to stay on that path.
Ok, I'm done going on and on now. At least you've avoided my rant in person (unless you haven't, then you got to hear it twice haha!) I'll just leave you with Xtreeme's verse (X-Tree-Me...Jesus died on a tree for me!)
"He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed." -1 Peter 2:24
So I'm all done with weddings for now. Don't see any in the near future, though my sister got engaged a couple of weeks ago. I'm concerned about that; she's only been dating the guy since February, and he has already cheated on her. My brother was telling me that she doesn't treat him the best either, and that they go back and forth a lot and tend to bring out the immaturity in each other. My family isn't a fan of him, though they'll support her through whatever decision she makes. One good thing in it is that when she said yes, she gave him the condition that the date had to be at least a year out so that they could take real premarital counseling (not just the weekend type) so that they could work through some of the issues they have before entering into a marital relationship. I'm proud of her for at least having some head on her shoulder through this, because I know she gets caught up into things and carried away often. All I can do is pray for her and her decisions. Speaking of which, I suddenly feel like I don't pray for my family enough. I pray for them just in the sense that they're my family and I love them, but none of them are Christians, and I feel like I should be praying constantly for them to actually find God. I think about it a lot, but I don't think I lift it up to God as much as I should be. Something I would like to work on.
I also had the opportunity to go on the Xtreeme camping trip this past weekend. Xtreeme is the high school youth group at our church, and I'm going to be one of the leaders this year! I'm very excited, as I'm sure anyone around me lately could tell you since I keep talking about it. The camping trip was amazing. First of all, let me prefice by saying that I didn't plan on going on this trip...when I first heard about it in June when I had openly expressed my interest in helping out with Xtreeme this coming year, I really wanted to go because I love camping, but it required taking two days off of work, and I had no idea what my schedule would be looking like since I was told I'd be starting shiftwork sometime in August (turns out it'll be Aug 31st). I was also unable to make it to the planning meeting the week before the trip because I was gone for a wedding. So I chalked it up as I wasn't supposed to be going and let it go. But then Pastor Jeff text messaged me Tuesday or Wednesday last week asking me if I'd be interested in going with them. I knew I really wanted to, and I knew I had the vacation time, so I juggled meetings and got them moved around, cleared my schedule, and told him I'd go! I then started preparing myself to be patient because I know P.J. isn't a huge planner; he would much rather wing it, come what may then set a schedule for something. This is a huge clash for a person like me who likes planning things out and ensuring there is a time and place for everything. I didn't know where we were even going until we were on the road and I asked him. He had some tentative plans for the weekend, but figured we'd just make it up as we go. Luckily he had one of the moms pack all of the food, so that was planned out at the very least, but otherwise, we just winged the weekend. It was an open opportunity to practice patience and not let my nature get the best of me. It also made for a very relaxing weekend, making it feel like a nice mini vacation, which was nice after having the stress of all of the weddings plus work non-stop for the previous month.
Anyway, like I said, the trip was amazing. That group of kids are exceptional, it was so much fun to get to know them. I'm happy that I had the opportunity to get to know them and connect before Xtreeme actually starts and activities are non-stop, it was nice to have the weekend to sit around on the beach or around the campfire and chat with each of them at some point in the four days. It was also so cool to me to see how real most of their faiths are. They were really on fire about living out Jesus's example and telling their friends about him and keeping each other accountable. And the fact that it was such a wide mix of students, you had all the normal high school genres... cheerleader, nerd, geeks, jocks, hard rockers, and freshman through seniors were all represented. And they all got along; not just making it through the weekend without drama by avoiding each other, but everyone actually talked and hung out and got along with each other. I realize it may be different at school, but I was impressed to see that they didn't let those things come between them in any way on this trip. The coolest conversation I was a part of during the weekend was Monday night when one of the girls was texting a guy she has a crush on who is not Christian. She was trying to figure out how she is supposed to handle a situation like that, and 3 guys rallied around her and were coaching her through why it's important to be with Christians (one guy started rattling off all sorts of verses about being unequally yoked for her!), and how she could bring up the conversation with the guy. She ended up bringing it up somewhat over texts, so they were coaching her about what to say, what his responses meant according to the male mind, and just generally encouraging her about the whole situation while really working on keeping her accountable. I was very impressed with them, and I'm really excited to work with them this year and keep pushing them to stay on that path.
Ok, I'm done going on and on now. At least you've avoided my rant in person (unless you haven't, then you got to hear it twice haha!) I'll just leave you with Xtreeme's verse (X-Tree-Me...Jesus died on a tree for me!)
"He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed." -1 Peter 2:24
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Zzz
I'm dying of lack of sleep currently. I got back Sunday night from my friend Sarah's wedding in California... I headed out there Tuesday, and we spent the entire week running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to finish last minute details and get everything organized. It was exhausting, especially considering we weren't getting to bed until around 11pm each night, which is 2am Eastern time, my time. I'm usually in bed by 10pm! Of course, we still got up at 6am each morning. Everything went swimmingly though, it was a beautiful wedding, and it's the coolest thing to see such a Godly relationship where everything they do is centered around discerning God's will for their lives and relationship.
Christina had an interview for a job opportunity up here Monday, so she ended up flying in at the exact time I did Sunday night. The girl doesn't sleep either, which meant I didn't get to fall asleep until around midnight, still to get up at 6am (now Eastern time!) for work. I ended up leaving work early to take a nap before she finished her interviews because I was so dead on my feet... I conked out for 3 hours until she called me. We then got some GTPC, watched some Bachelorette, and got to bed around 11pm, only to get up at 4am to get her to the airport to take the shuttle back to Texas. Someday, I'll actually sleep again. Until that day, I will be a walking zombie.
I'm finishing reading The Shack currently. I found the book very interesting with some intriguing topics. In it, a father loses his young daughter to a child predator, and years later God calls on the man to build a relationship once more after turning his back on God after the tragedy. The man actually spends a weekend with the Trinity, 3 distinct personas in one, and is engaged in conversations. The author showed God as a big booming black lady that the guy called "Papa"... the pure reason behind this was to help the guy get over his view that God is an old man with a white beard, like Gandolf, and to help him understand that God transcends gender and is beyond what we comprehend him to be. I found that very thought-provoking, though I know it has been blasted by some. I'm about 20 pages from the end, and I've enjoyed the book, though I really feel like there are quite a few things I don't agree with too and can see why pastors have recommended not reading it. God describes himself (or herself?) as submitted to the human race, and that He makes no judgment on humans at all, and he says authority is something humans have a need for, and that in truth He has no authority besides what humans decide to perceive He has. Although I enjoyed it, I don't think I'd recommend it and could see it being misleading. The real Book is better anyway.
More coffee is needed this early in the morning.
Christina had an interview for a job opportunity up here Monday, so she ended up flying in at the exact time I did Sunday night. The girl doesn't sleep either, which meant I didn't get to fall asleep until around midnight, still to get up at 6am (now Eastern time!) for work. I ended up leaving work early to take a nap before she finished her interviews because I was so dead on my feet... I conked out for 3 hours until she called me. We then got some GTPC, watched some Bachelorette, and got to bed around 11pm, only to get up at 4am to get her to the airport to take the shuttle back to Texas. Someday, I'll actually sleep again. Until that day, I will be a walking zombie.
I'm finishing reading The Shack currently. I found the book very interesting with some intriguing topics. In it, a father loses his young daughter to a child predator, and years later God calls on the man to build a relationship once more after turning his back on God after the tragedy. The man actually spends a weekend with the Trinity, 3 distinct personas in one, and is engaged in conversations. The author showed God as a big booming black lady that the guy called "Papa"... the pure reason behind this was to help the guy get over his view that God is an old man with a white beard, like Gandolf, and to help him understand that God transcends gender and is beyond what we comprehend him to be. I found that very thought-provoking, though I know it has been blasted by some. I'm about 20 pages from the end, and I've enjoyed the book, though I really feel like there are quite a few things I don't agree with too and can see why pastors have recommended not reading it. God describes himself (or herself?) as submitted to the human race, and that He makes no judgment on humans at all, and he says authority is something humans have a need for, and that in truth He has no authority besides what humans decide to perceive He has. Although I enjoyed it, I don't think I'd recommend it and could see it being misleading. The real Book is better anyway.
More coffee is needed this early in the morning.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Note to self...Don't go trail biking within a week of my wedding.
Since I'm sitting in the Atlanta airport with nothing better to do for the next couple of hours, it seems like the best time to be blogging. I have gotten through the first of 6 weddings I have been invited to that are occurring in about a one month period. Apparently they all had the same good idea of when they wanted to get married. Unfortunately, I'm only able to actually attend 4 of them, but that includes this one in Atlanta and my best friend Sarah's in L.A., of which I am the maid of honor. Basically, that comes down to meaning I am spending A LOT of money on other people this summer. A lot. Which means I'm not spending money on any vacation this year... which means I have lots of vacation time to use without spending money. Oh the woes of life!
I've been working hard at trying to be more active lately. I got new running shoes and nice moisture-removing socks so that I could start running again without getting massive blisters...but I have yet to do that. However, I am on a softball team, I play tennis most weeks, volleyball on Sundays... and I've convinced Jen that we need to start bike riding, which I'm excited about. We started this week, going to do some trail biking out in City Forest since we had hiked through there and saw some amazing biking trails. Yeah... that turned out to be more of a nightmare than we expected. It was a lot of fun, but it was definitely not a beginners trail... which meant that Jen flew over her bike once, rode into the forest at another point, and I ran into several trees. We left bruised up, and my legs had scratches up and down them....not a big deal until you have to wear skirts for the next couple of days for wedding events. I'll just have to remember to avoid things like that before my own wedding someday!
In other news, I have ADD and can't focus on blogging right now. I'm listening to the news as they discuss everything going on in Iran, and everytime they say where their sources are coming from, it is from Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube. Ironic that these websites set up basically for social aspects are now the source of breaking world news. Congress also apparently has already written up a proposal for taking over healthcare and making it government-run and is trying to fasttrack it through the House and Senate. I must say, it is a little scary how quickly the Obama administration has changed things in the 5 months they've been in power. At this rate, we'll be a socialist country within a year. Maybe not, but it is a little ridiculous that they decided to step into the free market and instead of letting companies that needed to go bankrupt and reorganize to be able to, they took them over, and are now pushing extremely hard on the healthcare issue. I have quite a few opinions on a bunch of these issues...however, my phone just reminded me that at some point I have a plane to catch, so I will avoid a soap box and instead get ready to leave Southern accents behind. Especially since a group of 10 men decided they're going to have a team meeting right where I am sitting and are circling seats around me. A bit awkward to say the least.
I've been working hard at trying to be more active lately. I got new running shoes and nice moisture-removing socks so that I could start running again without getting massive blisters...but I have yet to do that. However, I am on a softball team, I play tennis most weeks, volleyball on Sundays... and I've convinced Jen that we need to start bike riding, which I'm excited about. We started this week, going to do some trail biking out in City Forest since we had hiked through there and saw some amazing biking trails. Yeah... that turned out to be more of a nightmare than we expected. It was a lot of fun, but it was definitely not a beginners trail... which meant that Jen flew over her bike once, rode into the forest at another point, and I ran into several trees. We left bruised up, and my legs had scratches up and down them....not a big deal until you have to wear skirts for the next couple of days for wedding events. I'll just have to remember to avoid things like that before my own wedding someday!
In other news, I have ADD and can't focus on blogging right now. I'm listening to the news as they discuss everything going on in Iran, and everytime they say where their sources are coming from, it is from Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube. Ironic that these websites set up basically for social aspects are now the source of breaking world news. Congress also apparently has already written up a proposal for taking over healthcare and making it government-run and is trying to fasttrack it through the House and Senate. I must say, it is a little scary how quickly the Obama administration has changed things in the 5 months they've been in power. At this rate, we'll be a socialist country within a year. Maybe not, but it is a little ridiculous that they decided to step into the free market and instead of letting companies that needed to go bankrupt and reorganize to be able to, they took them over, and are now pushing extremely hard on the healthcare issue. I have quite a few opinions on a bunch of these issues...however, my phone just reminded me that at some point I have a plane to catch, so I will avoid a soap box and instead get ready to leave Southern accents behind. Especially since a group of 10 men decided they're going to have a team meeting right where I am sitting and are circling seats around me. A bit awkward to say the least.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
I want my sister back.
My sister is doing another one of her winding dives. She just informed me that her boyfriend gave her a phone so that she can text and everything (her current phone is on my mom's plan, which is FREE for her, but my mom refuses to pay for her texting). This generous gesture of her boyfriends means she now has a phone that will be signed up for a plan under HER name where she gets unlimited everything for the low price of $50 a month! Um, how is that comparable to free? Apparently it's worth it to her to not be under my mom's 'harsh' rules. This is after I just found out a month ago that while she was in her year-and-a-half of no talking to family, disappearing in another town, working in a gas station and living on a friends floor, her then boyfriend did the same thing; oh-so-generously got her a phone and gave her her very own phone plan, which she quickly defaulted on and ended up owing hundreds of dollars that my dad just had to recently pay. Back down the rabbit hole.
My dad doesn't know how to handle it anymore, they keep fighting and she demands that he should be treating her as an equal and that it is her house too, yet she refuses to get a job and begin to pay back the couple thousand dollars she owes him, and she has already trashed the brand new car that my dad bought and let her start borrowing 3 months ago. In one argument, she told him she can't handle all of this and that she's still depressed and could commit suicide at any time. Although it's obvious it's just her trying to get under his skin and scare him enough to leave her alone, we're all still terrified that she's going to end up disappearing again and/or that she'll pull another suicide attempt for attention and accidently pull it off.
My dad is planning on telling Amber tonight that she has three weeks to get her act together and get another job for the summer or she has to move out of his house. He's calling my mom to talk about it and discuss options. He figures she can move in with my mom and give my mom the chance to work with her; I'm just worried she's going to decide she'll just move in with her boyfriend or something. From what Colin and her friends have been saying, this guy is controlling, has cheated on her and lied to her, and refuses to hang out with her friends, it always has to be him and her, and is just overall not the kind of guy she should be with. But she's swooning and head-over-heels. I'm afraid she's going down the road to getting married to a not-good guy because she doesn't want to be alone and hasn't seemed to care who that means she is with, which again would mean she'd disappear. Basically, my family and I are just scared for my little sister and her decisions currently, all I want to do is protect her and instead it feels like she's pushing further away again.
Please pray.
My dad doesn't know how to handle it anymore, they keep fighting and she demands that he should be treating her as an equal and that it is her house too, yet she refuses to get a job and begin to pay back the couple thousand dollars she owes him, and she has already trashed the brand new car that my dad bought and let her start borrowing 3 months ago. In one argument, she told him she can't handle all of this and that she's still depressed and could commit suicide at any time. Although it's obvious it's just her trying to get under his skin and scare him enough to leave her alone, we're all still terrified that she's going to end up disappearing again and/or that she'll pull another suicide attempt for attention and accidently pull it off.
My dad is planning on telling Amber tonight that she has three weeks to get her act together and get another job for the summer or she has to move out of his house. He's calling my mom to talk about it and discuss options. He figures she can move in with my mom and give my mom the chance to work with her; I'm just worried she's going to decide she'll just move in with her boyfriend or something. From what Colin and her friends have been saying, this guy is controlling, has cheated on her and lied to her, and refuses to hang out with her friends, it always has to be him and her, and is just overall not the kind of guy she should be with. But she's swooning and head-over-heels. I'm afraid she's going down the road to getting married to a not-good guy because she doesn't want to be alone and hasn't seemed to care who that means she is with, which again would mean she'd disappear. Basically, my family and I are just scared for my little sister and her decisions currently, all I want to do is protect her and instead it feels like she's pushing further away again.
Please pray.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Tear me down because you need me to be broken, breathless for you
I'm currently wondering where my will and self-control are. I don't think I'm very strong or disciplined when it comes to temptation. Take today for instance. The first Tuesday of every month is when our church fasts together. I had the choice to do it. And I chose food. I had training today, and since Dow's cost-cutting now means they refuse to feed us, a group of us went to Big Apple Bagel. It was so yummy... in an unsatisfyingly satisfying way. It's like I have no discipline. I told myself I'd just skip dinner and breakfast and not eat until lunch tomorrow. Except then I ate dinner, telling myself I'd skip breakfast and lunch tomorrow. At this point, even if I do, I think I've defeated the purpose.
I think I need to take the time to really meditate on the purpose of fasting, and my purpose in it, rather than just doing it because the church does it. I have actually chosen in the past not to do it with the church because I have heard of times when not even the staff remembered to do it, and I felt like it was just a check-the-box activity that lacked a truly spiritual purpose. However, I also feel like our church is in trouble and needs serious prayer, and I want to fast with the focus of lifting it up to God. I want it to be purposeful to bring me closer to God, closer to the model shown to us through scripture.
Isaiah: “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter -- when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?"
I'm going to pray about this more, take it to God... and work on my poor discipline when it comes to food (and maybe other things too).
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."-2Tim 1:7
I think I need to take the time to really meditate on the purpose of fasting, and my purpose in it, rather than just doing it because the church does it. I have actually chosen in the past not to do it with the church because I have heard of times when not even the staff remembered to do it, and I felt like it was just a check-the-box activity that lacked a truly spiritual purpose. However, I also feel like our church is in trouble and needs serious prayer, and I want to fast with the focus of lifting it up to God. I want it to be purposeful to bring me closer to God, closer to the model shown to us through scripture.
Isaiah: “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter -- when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?"
I'm going to pray about this more, take it to God... and work on my poor discipline when it comes to food (and maybe other things too).
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."-2Tim 1:7
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Alberto
Alberto. The poor guy with a forbidden crush and a doomed stalker name. He will live in infamy in our circle forever... so Shannon, Jen, and I had dinner together last night so that I could try to make up for ditching out on them Friday after inviting them to have dinner with me...and then an hour later telling them nevermind, I'm flying to Minneapolis. Woops. After dinner though, we discussed boys, the lack of boys, and how we could help Shannon meet Pete Peterson. Which inevitably led to Jen and I albertoing him on the internet. It's crazy the things you can find on google nowadays... after some rather creepy sleuthing, we found his home church and his dad, who is the pastor (and does a surprising number of funerals!). We also found out he has an Aunt Una, only because we found his grandpa's obituary (who died in 2002) and it had a listing of surviving relatives. So really, we found nothing useful and basically just walked away being creepier than we were before. So is life.
Being in Shannon's house made me want to buy that house all over again. She has done a beautiful job decorating it, it looks amazing now.... and although I know I am the worst decorator and cannot visualize those things, I want a canvas that I can play with too rather than the lame apartment that I can't do anything with. (I say lame, but I must say that free heat in subzero winters is definitely not lame. That's the only part of that I take back.) I need to pray more about it.
On another note, news is really depressing. I check it regularly now, and it's either someone died/was killed, someone got mauled by a white tiger, someone is hated by everyone because they're different, controversy death controversy. It's very tiring.
I also just read that a zoo in New Zealand that houses endangered animals is getting in trouble for having crowded and unsanitary conditions for the animals, so their solution is to put down 40 large cats. Yes, we'll save the endangered animals, but only until it becomes an inconvenience for us and would require us to spend more money to change something. Then we'll just put them down....
Being in Shannon's house made me want to buy that house all over again. She has done a beautiful job decorating it, it looks amazing now.... and although I know I am the worst decorator and cannot visualize those things, I want a canvas that I can play with too rather than the lame apartment that I can't do anything with. (I say lame, but I must say that free heat in subzero winters is definitely not lame. That's the only part of that I take back.) I need to pray more about it.
On another note, news is really depressing. I check it regularly now, and it's either someone died/was killed, someone got mauled by a white tiger, someone is hated by everyone because they're different, controversy death controversy. It's very tiring.
I also just read that a zoo in New Zealand that houses endangered animals is getting in trouble for having crowded and unsanitary conditions for the animals, so their solution is to put down 40 large cats. Yes, we'll save the endangered animals, but only until it becomes an inconvenience for us and would require us to spend more money to change something. Then we'll just put them down....
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
47 States
As a sidenote, I believe I am now down to 3 states left to visit in the US! Minnesota had been on my list of states I had not yet visited (actually done something in besides drive through or pass through the airport). I am now down to New York, Pennsylvania, and Hawaii.
Continents are still at 3 visited with N. America, Europe, and Asia. Australia is next year!
Continents are still at 3 visited with N. America, Europe, and Asia. Australia is next year!
Hospitality
hos-pi-tal-i-ty [hos-pi-tal-i-tee]
–noun, plural -ties.
1. the friendly reception and treatment of guests or strangers.
2. the quality or disposition of receiving and treating guests and strangers in a warm, friendly, generous way.
There's a lot of talk about hospitality, what it is, how to do it, how America sucks at it compared to the rest of the world. Personally, it is definitely something I struggle with, though I think I fake it well sometimes. Just because I'm faking it doesn't mean I'm necessarily being sincere though. Example. When I fly, I prefer window seats partly because I have a habit of falling asleep on planes, and when I fall asleep, I can't sit up straight, I fall over and lean on something, so it's nice to have the window to lean on rather than making the person next to me feel very awkward; but also partly because I like the feeling of the window cubbie where I have my own world and can lean away from the person next to me and feel like I have my own space, where you definitely can't do that in the middle seat, and in the aisle seat, you end up getting plowed into by the drink cart. I go out of my way to check on window seats, I book my flights online and pick the seats myself, then check in online to ensure that I have a window seat. It's not a huge deal, but when I can get it, I take it. Flying to Minneapolis this weekend was no exception.
While flying back from Minneapolis, I had set my seats so that I was in the back of the plane where it was likely I'd have my own row and had window seats on both flights through Chicago. However, when I boarded the flight from Chicago home, there was a lady sitting in my seat. I pulled out my ticket stub to prove that she had to move and asked her if she was in the right seat. She explained that she and her daugher had been split and told me that I could sit in her seat, an aisle seat next to another lady. I stood and stared at her for a minute because she didn't really give me a choice or try to find another way around it, she had decided for me, which I don't handle well. I then smiled politely and agreed and took the other seat. But I was screaming at her with my thoughts, I was very angry because now I had to give up MY window seat without being given the choice to sit next to a lady that kept brushing against me and didn't wear her seatbelt. It really bothered me much more than it should have, but I had a little storm spinning in my head because of this discourtesy brought upon me. I had to force myself to focus on Jesus and realize that this was just an opportunity to serve others and stop letting myself be #1. I was surprised at how difficult it was to do this in my head. I think it's one thing to do hospitable acts for people and play the game, but it's a completely different thing to really mean it, which is where I'm lacking and need to work on. It was an insightful 5 minutes into my soul on that plane.
The trip was a lot of fun, I enjoyed spending time with my grandpa, dad, and brother, especially since I had nothing to do in Midland (well, except the dinner I had asked Shannon and Jen if they wanted to do, which I then ditched out on). The problem is, although I like Midland, everytime I leave I never want to come back. I started considering all of the other places I could live that I'd probably enjoy better at the current moment. However, as far as my career goes, my best option is to stay with Dow through at least 3 years because in order to be considered an "experienced" engineer, you have to have 2-3 years under your belt, which is what I'd need for almost any other job currently; plus, my retirement plan doesn't vest until I've been with the company for 3 years. So it looks like I'll be here at least another year.
I'm also pretty sure at this point that I'm signing a lease for another 6 months at my apartment. After weighing pros and cons about a million times, it ends up being pretty even at the end and I'm not gaining that much more by having a house. Plus, I prayed for almost a week that if God didn't want me to have the house, that my loan would be declined. It ended up being declined on a technicality; Michigan is a "declining market" state and you have to put 10% down, which I didn't initially plan to put, so they told me that if I upped that, I was approved. So I could get around it if I so chose... but I kinda wonder if I'm not supposed to take that as an answer to my prayer and just be obedient, despite the fact that I completely fell in love with the house. But I'm feeling some peace about it after the weekend of letting it settle in. There will be other houses, and God has bigger plans than my little house that I want as my own so badly.
This just means I need to work harder on showing hospitality from my little apartment that has no room for more than a few guests... maybe it's time that I invest in better furniture to accomodate people.....Na, I'll just wait for Kelsey's grandma's table to be moved in =)
–noun, plural -ties.
1. the friendly reception and treatment of guests or strangers.
2. the quality or disposition of receiving and treating guests and strangers in a warm, friendly, generous way.
There's a lot of talk about hospitality, what it is, how to do it, how America sucks at it compared to the rest of the world. Personally, it is definitely something I struggle with, though I think I fake it well sometimes. Just because I'm faking it doesn't mean I'm necessarily being sincere though. Example. When I fly, I prefer window seats partly because I have a habit of falling asleep on planes, and when I fall asleep, I can't sit up straight, I fall over and lean on something, so it's nice to have the window to lean on rather than making the person next to me feel very awkward; but also partly because I like the feeling of the window cubbie where I have my own world and can lean away from the person next to me and feel like I have my own space, where you definitely can't do that in the middle seat, and in the aisle seat, you end up getting plowed into by the drink cart. I go out of my way to check on window seats, I book my flights online and pick the seats myself, then check in online to ensure that I have a window seat. It's not a huge deal, but when I can get it, I take it. Flying to Minneapolis this weekend was no exception.
While flying back from Minneapolis, I had set my seats so that I was in the back of the plane where it was likely I'd have my own row and had window seats on both flights through Chicago. However, when I boarded the flight from Chicago home, there was a lady sitting in my seat. I pulled out my ticket stub to prove that she had to move and asked her if she was in the right seat. She explained that she and her daugher had been split and told me that I could sit in her seat, an aisle seat next to another lady. I stood and stared at her for a minute because she didn't really give me a choice or try to find another way around it, she had decided for me, which I don't handle well. I then smiled politely and agreed and took the other seat. But I was screaming at her with my thoughts, I was very angry because now I had to give up MY window seat without being given the choice to sit next to a lady that kept brushing against me and didn't wear her seatbelt. It really bothered me much more than it should have, but I had a little storm spinning in my head because of this discourtesy brought upon me. I had to force myself to focus on Jesus and realize that this was just an opportunity to serve others and stop letting myself be #1. I was surprised at how difficult it was to do this in my head. I think it's one thing to do hospitable acts for people and play the game, but it's a completely different thing to really mean it, which is where I'm lacking and need to work on. It was an insightful 5 minutes into my soul on that plane.
The trip was a lot of fun, I enjoyed spending time with my grandpa, dad, and brother, especially since I had nothing to do in Midland (well, except the dinner I had asked Shannon and Jen if they wanted to do, which I then ditched out on). The problem is, although I like Midland, everytime I leave I never want to come back. I started considering all of the other places I could live that I'd probably enjoy better at the current moment. However, as far as my career goes, my best option is to stay with Dow through at least 3 years because in order to be considered an "experienced" engineer, you have to have 2-3 years under your belt, which is what I'd need for almost any other job currently; plus, my retirement plan doesn't vest until I've been with the company for 3 years. So it looks like I'll be here at least another year.
I'm also pretty sure at this point that I'm signing a lease for another 6 months at my apartment. After weighing pros and cons about a million times, it ends up being pretty even at the end and I'm not gaining that much more by having a house. Plus, I prayed for almost a week that if God didn't want me to have the house, that my loan would be declined. It ended up being declined on a technicality; Michigan is a "declining market" state and you have to put 10% down, which I didn't initially plan to put, so they told me that if I upped that, I was approved. So I could get around it if I so chose... but I kinda wonder if I'm not supposed to take that as an answer to my prayer and just be obedient, despite the fact that I completely fell in love with the house. But I'm feeling some peace about it after the weekend of letting it settle in. There will be other houses, and God has bigger plans than my little house that I want as my own so badly.
This just means I need to work harder on showing hospitality from my little apartment that has no room for more than a few guests... maybe it's time that I invest in better furniture to accomodate people.....Na, I'll just wait for Kelsey's grandma's table to be moved in =)
Friday, April 24, 2009
I'm sick, I whine.
I hate being sick. I hate being sick for quite a number of reasons, but since moving to Michigan and getting sick on a regular basis, I must say that my number one reason I hate being sick is...having to take care of myself alone. I never feel more alone than I do when I'm sick. The least fun thing in the world is to wake up in the middle of the night with a fever while basically hyperventilating because I'm having a hard time breathing through my messed up throat and have to figure it all out myself. And though it seems like it would be nice to be lounging around at home watching tv and reading all day, it is actually pretty awful since I have no voice so I can't talk on the phone, and work keeps calling me regardless because there are things that need to be done that can't be bothered by me being incapacitated. I currently have a mix of bronchitis and a sinus infection, which is actually the sickest I've been since moving to Michigan. I went to the doctor and she prescribed me some expensive meds, which are helping thank goodness. We also talked about the fact that I've gotten sick here a lot more than I ever did in Colorado, and she basically told me that I probably have allergies that don't get along with Michigan, and if I don't start naturally getting better and stop getting sick as often, I may need to be allergy tested and start getting allergy shots regularly, or find a better place to live heh. Seems like Michigan is really trying its hardest to get rid of me. This means I don't get to go to the Pistons playoff game tonight. But that's ok because instead I get to sit here all by myself and entertain Loki for the weekend. Oh and I can't drive because of the Codeine in the medicine. So I'm living off of whatever I can find in the cupboards...which is not much since I'm at grocery shopping time.
Mmm yummy baked beans and tomato paste...
Mmm yummy baked beans and tomato paste...
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
We're Going Housing...
My dad laughs at me. Why does he laugh at me? Because I like making spreadsheets. For everything. Why do I like making spreadsheets so? Because it's my thing. And they're just about useful for any scenario you need to analyze. Such as figuring out a downpayment for a house, and how much you could save by having "investors" loan you enough to cover a 20% downpayment versus paying a 10% downpayment by yourself. Why do I keep asking myself questions? Because yes, I am a quintessential nerd.
I've been throwing around the idea of buying a house the last couple of weeks. My reasoning is that I am happy with Dow and want to stay with the company, and with my career aspirations, I need production experience, and the best place for me to be getting production experience currently is...Midland. Which puts me here for about another 3 years. Which I've started coming to terms with instead of dreading. And with all of the incentives out there this year for first-time buyers ($8000 tax credit from fed, $7500 interest-free loan, <5% fixed interest rates, and basically the crash of the entire housing market...), it is just a bit too logical of an option to not consider. I'm giving myself until May before I actually contact a realtor, but I've already started looking at finances and houses that are actually on the market around here currently. The biggest downsides of owning a home: I have to maintain it, I have to take care of it, I have to fix it. No one to fix the furnace if it breaks (without spending lots of money at least), no one to shovel for me or mow my currently non-existent lawn. And if I don't have a roommate, no one in the same building besides Loki and I (and Loki is a scaredy cat!). So it's still up for debate currently...
Speaking of moving and houses though, it seems like everyone else is moving OUT. Jeanette and Dylan both announced within a week that they have put their houses on the market so that they could move as quickly as the market would let them. Dylan even had his house staged and everything (which meant that he now has lots of flowers and fake plants taking over his house). This means I am currently also holding his cats hostage on top of Mona, putting my current number of cats up to 5. Wait, did that math not add up? That's because I'm also watching 2 cats for other friends, however they live in the same apartment building, so I just walk down and take care of those ones... I think I would have to move out of my apartment if there were 5 cats living in there, too much!
Oh, and I'm going to a Pistons playoff game on Friday. Apparently they're going to lose, which I could care less about..it'll just be a fun experience =) And thanks to Dow perks, the tickets were only $10 each, so I really don't have to care how the game goes!
I've been throwing around the idea of buying a house the last couple of weeks. My reasoning is that I am happy with Dow and want to stay with the company, and with my career aspirations, I need production experience, and the best place for me to be getting production experience currently is...Midland. Which puts me here for about another 3 years. Which I've started coming to terms with instead of dreading. And with all of the incentives out there this year for first-time buyers ($8000 tax credit from fed, $7500 interest-free loan, <5% fixed interest rates, and basically the crash of the entire housing market...), it is just a bit too logical of an option to not consider. I'm giving myself until May before I actually contact a realtor, but I've already started looking at finances and houses that are actually on the market around here currently. The biggest downsides of owning a home: I have to maintain it, I have to take care of it, I have to fix it. No one to fix the furnace if it breaks (without spending lots of money at least), no one to shovel for me or mow my currently non-existent lawn. And if I don't have a roommate, no one in the same building besides Loki and I (and Loki is a scaredy cat!). So it's still up for debate currently...
Speaking of moving and houses though, it seems like everyone else is moving OUT. Jeanette and Dylan both announced within a week that they have put their houses on the market so that they could move as quickly as the market would let them. Dylan even had his house staged and everything (which meant that he now has lots of flowers and fake plants taking over his house). This means I am currently also holding his cats hostage on top of Mona, putting my current number of cats up to 5. Wait, did that math not add up? That's because I'm also watching 2 cats for other friends, however they live in the same apartment building, so I just walk down and take care of those ones... I think I would have to move out of my apartment if there were 5 cats living in there, too much!
Oh, and I'm going to a Pistons playoff game on Friday. Apparently they're going to lose, which I could care less about..it'll just be a fun experience =) And thanks to Dow perks, the tickets were only $10 each, so I really don't have to care how the game goes!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
To Thai or not to Thai
My love of Thai food and my body's complete hate of anything that even looks like it might be remotely spicy is coming to a head once again. I am eating yummy yummy leftover curry from my dad and I's Thai escapades in Detroit this past weekend, and although I asked for very very little spice, my mouth is burning and I'm close to tears. It is SO gooood! I cannot resist the burningly scrumptious food. My dad left his behind, and although he claims that it had absolutely no spice whatsoever, he can also eat some of the hottest spices in the world (apparently you learn that trick after living in Thailand for 5 years in high school...he did at least). I'm going to eat his food regardless, and hope it doesn't kill me, or at least my mouth.
Oh yummy Thai food, why do you entice me and burn me so?!
Oh yummy Thai food, why do you entice me and burn me so?!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Easter weekend
Everyone is gone this week for a strange phenomenon they call "Spring Break". I know not what this holiday is any longer, so I sit in my office with nothing to do during lunch but blog my life. What did people do by themselves during lunch before there were computers?? Those were sad times, I can only imagine...
Luckily, this week is only a 3 day week for me since Friday is Good Friday and Thursday is my Friday off. Yes, that is correct, do not question it. My dad is flying in on Thursday to spend Easter with me...or rather, he won a Red Wings package and is flying out for that, and I badgered him until he agreed to spend Easter with me also rather than flying out early Sunday morning. The Red Wings package includes sweet seats to the game, dinner for two at their exclusive hoity toity restaurant at the stadium, a signed puck by one of the Swedes, and a ride on the Zamboni, which my dad quickly passed off to me. All week, friends have been encouraging me to practice my awkward Zamboni wave and loudly contemplating how uncomfortable I will look as we circle back around the rink for the 10th time and everyone stares. Oh joy of all joys! I'm not going to complain, it's all free. I'm considering wearing Avalanche gear, just to make sure I blend in better...
We're also going to the opening game in Detroit for the Tigers on Friday. Apparently, opening games are all that and a bag of chips because every single ticket was sold out for Friday's game, yet Saturday and Sunday only have about half the tickets sold...and they're not even giving us a lousy promotional item! This meant that I had to scour StubHub for tickets, which were looking to cost approximately $100 for you're-not-good-enough-for-a-seat Standing Room Only. I watched ticket prices for about 5 days before I realized yesterday that tickets were starting to disappear fast and I had better suck it up and pay the $300+ bucks for 2 mediocre seats before they went up even higher. I found some seats that I was begrudgingly about to buy...in fact, I had entered all of my credit card information and was ready to press the button when I figured, what the hey, we'll look one more time at this other section (because I suffer from paranoia, which means I check things obsessively, *just in case!!*). Somehow, to my amazement, two tickets had popped up for $50 each for center Upper Deck 7th row. Now let me tell you kids, this was the cheapest set of tickets I've yet seen for the game, not even the auction block tickets were that low. I nearly fell out of my chair, but held on tightly to the keyboard only by sheer will in order to pray that these were real and not a figment of my imagination and buy them as quickly as humanly possible. And I got them. I then printed them off quickly to ensure that they did not evaporate before my eyes like I knew they should. I then started considering putting them back on StubHub and reselling them since every seat around them was selling for $125 each, but I chose not to anger the Baseball angels that saved me from a horrifyingly expensive ticket. Long story short, don't go to Opening Day, what a waste. The Tigers aren't even good!! No wonder Michigan is tanking.
We are also going to church Sunday morning, followed by Easter brunch, which I sure hope is somewhere good... I just haven't found any place yet. That is my next task following the organizing of my apartment, which is going quite well despite the increased mess I have made by pulling everything out of the place I had kept it. I have high hopes...now if only work would stop getting in the way...
Luckily, this week is only a 3 day week for me since Friday is Good Friday and Thursday is my Friday off. Yes, that is correct, do not question it. My dad is flying in on Thursday to spend Easter with me...or rather, he won a Red Wings package and is flying out for that, and I badgered him until he agreed to spend Easter with me also rather than flying out early Sunday morning. The Red Wings package includes sweet seats to the game, dinner for two at their exclusive hoity toity restaurant at the stadium, a signed puck by one of the Swedes, and a ride on the Zamboni, which my dad quickly passed off to me. All week, friends have been encouraging me to practice my awkward Zamboni wave and loudly contemplating how uncomfortable I will look as we circle back around the rink for the 10th time and everyone stares. Oh joy of all joys! I'm not going to complain, it's all free. I'm considering wearing Avalanche gear, just to make sure I blend in better...
We're also going to the opening game in Detroit for the Tigers on Friday. Apparently, opening games are all that and a bag of chips because every single ticket was sold out for Friday's game, yet Saturday and Sunday only have about half the tickets sold...and they're not even giving us a lousy promotional item! This meant that I had to scour StubHub for tickets, which were looking to cost approximately $100 for you're-not-good-enough-for-a-seat Standing Room Only. I watched ticket prices for about 5 days before I realized yesterday that tickets were starting to disappear fast and I had better suck it up and pay the $300+ bucks for 2 mediocre seats before they went up even higher. I found some seats that I was begrudgingly about to buy...in fact, I had entered all of my credit card information and was ready to press the button when I figured, what the hey, we'll look one more time at this other section (because I suffer from paranoia, which means I check things obsessively, *just in case!!*). Somehow, to my amazement, two tickets had popped up for $50 each for center Upper Deck 7th row. Now let me tell you kids, this was the cheapest set of tickets I've yet seen for the game, not even the auction block tickets were that low. I nearly fell out of my chair, but held on tightly to the keyboard only by sheer will in order to pray that these were real and not a figment of my imagination and buy them as quickly as humanly possible. And I got them. I then printed them off quickly to ensure that they did not evaporate before my eyes like I knew they should. I then started considering putting them back on StubHub and reselling them since every seat around them was selling for $125 each, but I chose not to anger the Baseball angels that saved me from a horrifyingly expensive ticket. Long story short, don't go to Opening Day, what a waste. The Tigers aren't even good!! No wonder Michigan is tanking.
We are also going to church Sunday morning, followed by Easter brunch, which I sure hope is somewhere good... I just haven't found any place yet. That is my next task following the organizing of my apartment, which is going quite well despite the increased mess I have made by pulling everything out of the place I had kept it. I have high hopes...now if only work would stop getting in the way...
Thursday, April 2, 2009
MIA
Thank you for your call (view?), Sarah is currently out of the office. Well, actually, Sarah is currently in the office, but out of the blogger office. She is overwhelmingly busy and, although your call is important to her, she just doesn't have time for you.
Rest assured that she has lots of updates and would much prefer to sit down to write a nice long blog post, but no such opportunity is in the foreseeable future (which is subject to change by the day). Thank you for your time, and we look forward to meeting your needs again some other time more convenient to us.
-Sarah's Computer (NOT known as CADIE)
Rest assured that she has lots of updates and would much prefer to sit down to write a nice long blog post, but no such opportunity is in the foreseeable future (which is subject to change by the day). Thank you for your time, and we look forward to meeting your needs again some other time more convenient to us.
-Sarah's Computer (NOT known as CADIE)
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Am I in Jesus's Way?
Spoken in Casting Crown's "What This World Needs"...
"People aren't confused by the gospel,
They're confused by us.
Jesus is the only way to God,
But we are not the only way to Jesus.
This world doesn't need
My tie, my hoodie,
My denomination, or my translation of the Bible-
They just need Jesus.
We can be passionate about what we believe,
But we can't strap ourselves to the gospels
Because we're slowing it down.
Jesus is going to save the world,
But maybe the best thing we can do
Is just get out of the way."
I don't think I am in Jesus's way, but I definitely wonder if I hinder Him sometimes. I'm so human, so sin-bound and full of flaws, I know I mess it up. But I also know God loves me so fully, and I love him, that I work harder each day to focus on Him and turn away from things that I let lead me astray. I'm so glad I have Him, and I want so badly for others to see this too. And to see that all of the silly arguments over denomination, squabbles about the imperfectly human translations of the Bible, all of the things that make us so human, mean absolutely nothing in the light of Jesus Christ.
PS. I'm obsessed with Casting Crowns lately. "Praise you in this Storm" speaks to me so much, I feel like I could have written the song myself if I had a single creative bone in my body. And "Slow Fade" and it's video put a lump in my throat...in a good way somehow. I'm not sure how Casting Crowns got in my head and wrote so many songs that are so applicable to me...but they did. First actual CDs I've bought in a long long time now...
"People aren't confused by the gospel,
They're confused by us.
Jesus is the only way to God,
But we are not the only way to Jesus.
This world doesn't need
My tie, my hoodie,
My denomination, or my translation of the Bible-
They just need Jesus.
We can be passionate about what we believe,
But we can't strap ourselves to the gospels
Because we're slowing it down.
Jesus is going to save the world,
But maybe the best thing we can do
Is just get out of the way."
I don't think I am in Jesus's way, but I definitely wonder if I hinder Him sometimes. I'm so human, so sin-bound and full of flaws, I know I mess it up. But I also know God loves me so fully, and I love him, that I work harder each day to focus on Him and turn away from things that I let lead me astray. I'm so glad I have Him, and I want so badly for others to see this too. And to see that all of the silly arguments over denomination, squabbles about the imperfectly human translations of the Bible, all of the things that make us so human, mean absolutely nothing in the light of Jesus Christ.
PS. I'm obsessed with Casting Crowns lately. "Praise you in this Storm" speaks to me so much, I feel like I could have written the song myself if I had a single creative bone in my body. And "Slow Fade" and it's video put a lump in my throat...in a good way somehow. I'm not sure how Casting Crowns got in my head and wrote so many songs that are so applicable to me...but they did. First actual CDs I've bought in a long long time now...
Monday, March 9, 2009
Restless
The restlessness I've been feeling has definitely been growing lately. Garrett led a discussion on anxiety in Small Church this weekend too, which actually tremendously increased my anxious feelings. I assume it's because God is preparing me for something, though I've begun realizing that that doesn't mean it will be anytime soon. I just feel like something is supposed to change, and I keep waiting for it to happen. Plus I'm watching everyone change around me. During House Church, it was brought up that Bruce is retiring from Dow Corning and taking the package they're offering, Karin is finishing her internship and leaving, Jon Fields is leaving for YWAM at the end of March, Shannon is putting her focus on Cambodia and the sex slave issue, and Jen just got back from her Russia mission trip. And I have nothing but restless feelings. It's really difficult sometimes to wait on God's timing. Maybe that is part of what this is.
I did get a call from Christina this weekend. Leadership in Texas has their eye on her, she's deemed fast track material. However, she has expressed the fact that she's not very happy down there, and they told her they were willing to move her to Midland if she felt she would be happier up here. She asked if it would be possible to have her friend in Midland moved down there. This coming from the fact that I had expressed to her that I had thought about moving to Texas, or putting my resume out and seeing what happened. However, I've thought about it quite a bit, and first, I feel like I wouldn't be transferred because of my own accomplishments, but because Dow loves my friend and therefore is willing to move me. I talked to my dad about that, and he said not to think of it that way because it gives me the opportunity to prove myself and puts me in contact with leadership down there instantly because they were willing to go out of their ways to put me in a position I want. But that leads me into my second reason. There is not a position in Texas I currently want. Mostly because the place I am in right now is the best opportunity I could have; I love my job, Ag is doing the best in the company, and there are a million opportunities for me here. I am not excited about jobs in Texas at all. I wondered if maybe this was the sign I keep waiting for God to flash in front of me, but the fact that I don't want to do it and that it hasn't even come up as a point of conversation again indicates to me that this isn't the next step. But it is a definite possibility if I want it to be.
I have realized that I can't complain too much...even if I'm waiting to figure out something that seems more permanent, in the interim, I wrote down my travel for the year and was quite surprised to see how much I'm really doing:
Feb: U.P. Michigan, California
April: Texas
May: Minnesota
June: Georgia
July: California
September: South Carolina
...That pretty much covers all sides of the country; so I guess I feel better knowing that I'm at least doing something...
I did get a call from Christina this weekend. Leadership in Texas has their eye on her, she's deemed fast track material. However, she has expressed the fact that she's not very happy down there, and they told her they were willing to move her to Midland if she felt she would be happier up here. She asked if it would be possible to have her friend in Midland moved down there. This coming from the fact that I had expressed to her that I had thought about moving to Texas, or putting my resume out and seeing what happened. However, I've thought about it quite a bit, and first, I feel like I wouldn't be transferred because of my own accomplishments, but because Dow loves my friend and therefore is willing to move me. I talked to my dad about that, and he said not to think of it that way because it gives me the opportunity to prove myself and puts me in contact with leadership down there instantly because they were willing to go out of their ways to put me in a position I want. But that leads me into my second reason. There is not a position in Texas I currently want. Mostly because the place I am in right now is the best opportunity I could have; I love my job, Ag is doing the best in the company, and there are a million opportunities for me here. I am not excited about jobs in Texas at all. I wondered if maybe this was the sign I keep waiting for God to flash in front of me, but the fact that I don't want to do it and that it hasn't even come up as a point of conversation again indicates to me that this isn't the next step. But it is a definite possibility if I want it to be.
I have realized that I can't complain too much...even if I'm waiting to figure out something that seems more permanent, in the interim, I wrote down my travel for the year and was quite surprised to see how much I'm really doing:
Feb: U.P. Michigan, California
April: Texas
May: Minnesota
June: Georgia
July: California
September: South Carolina
...That pretty much covers all sides of the country; so I guess I feel better knowing that I'm at least doing something...
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Because Just Ok Is Not Enough...
I'm on a blogging spree!
I've been obsessed with this song lately, I've even been dreaming about it. The words really speak to me, so I'm going to share it here...
Matthew West "The Motions"
This might hurt
It's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care
If I break
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming
Passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?
No regrets
Not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life
‘Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming
Passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?
Take me all the way
(take me all the way)
Take me all the way
('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
Take me all the way
(I know I'm finally feeling something real)
Take me all the way
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming
Passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?
I've been obsessed with this song lately, I've even been dreaming about it. The words really speak to me, so I'm going to share it here...
Matthew West "The Motions"
This might hurt
It's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care
If I break
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming
Passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?
No regrets
Not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life
‘Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming
Passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?
Take me all the way
(take me all the way)
Take me all the way
('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
Take me all the way
(I know I'm finally feeling something real)
Take me all the way
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming
Passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Stories from the Hole
All vagueness of late aside, I've been making a valiant effort to actually hang out with people and set aside the moroseness (excuse me if I start getting unusually wordy...I just read Dylan's blog and am talking to him, and somehow that causes me to want to be creatively wordy the way he is...and even though that doesn't bode well, that doesn't mean I don't subconsciously try to imitate, then reread my ranting sentence and try to figure out why in the world I used those words. End run-on sentence.)
Greg is back for his spring break, so last night, Dylan, Greg and I relived our glory days of cheap Tuesday night movies and saw Slumdog Millionaire. An excellent movie I must say. Though Dylan and Greg were so overjoyed by their reunion that it was a man date that I tagged along for. They get into their rants, it's hilarious to listen to, but I was much too tired to even begin to come up with something to cleverly interject into the conversation at 9pm at night. Don't judge me!
I've also decided to take some of the "Learn Tennis Fast!!!!1!!1" Tennis lessons at the Tennis Center since I haven't the darndest idea how to play, and it'll give me something to do. Plus, it's always nice to be surrounded by other people that are just as incompetent as you so that when you get hit in the face with a tennis ball, Black Eye Sally is right there by your side sympathizing.
I'm also cornering Shannon and J. Loo to talk about Real stuff. Well, Shannon asked me so that we could discuss small groups, but I am cornering J. Loo. I've been frustrated with Real and am somewhat motivated to try and find ways to improve it and help get it back on it's feet. It's frustrating because it definitely feels like few people care anymore, and I've been tired of hearing complaints with no action. I know I can't be the VP of Operations at Real Co., but I at least have a voice. And I really care. Regardless of how down I've been feeling, Real is important to me and is why Midland felt like home so quickly to me, and I don't want others to miss out on that. But if something doesn't change, it'll all come crashing down. Unacceptable!
Well, my steam tables are calling to me again, so I'm off to munch on muffins and clementines while hiding in my hole. If ever in doubt, ask: What Would Google Do? Google would not try to do a JV with an unstable government, that's for sure.
Greg is back for his spring break, so last night, Dylan, Greg and I relived our glory days of cheap Tuesday night movies and saw Slumdog Millionaire. An excellent movie I must say. Though Dylan and Greg were so overjoyed by their reunion that it was a man date that I tagged along for. They get into their rants, it's hilarious to listen to, but I was much too tired to even begin to come up with something to cleverly interject into the conversation at 9pm at night. Don't judge me!
I've also decided to take some of the "Learn Tennis Fast!!!!1!!1" Tennis lessons at the Tennis Center since I haven't the darndest idea how to play, and it'll give me something to do. Plus, it's always nice to be surrounded by other people that are just as incompetent as you so that when you get hit in the face with a tennis ball, Black Eye Sally is right there by your side sympathizing.
I'm also cornering Shannon and J. Loo to talk about Real stuff. Well, Shannon asked me so that we could discuss small groups, but I am cornering J. Loo. I've been frustrated with Real and am somewhat motivated to try and find ways to improve it and help get it back on it's feet. It's frustrating because it definitely feels like few people care anymore, and I've been tired of hearing complaints with no action. I know I can't be the VP of Operations at Real Co., but I at least have a voice. And I really care. Regardless of how down I've been feeling, Real is important to me and is why Midland felt like home so quickly to me, and I don't want others to miss out on that. But if something doesn't change, it'll all come crashing down. Unacceptable!
Well, my steam tables are calling to me again, so I'm off to munch on muffins and clementines while hiding in my hole. If ever in doubt, ask: What Would Google Do? Google would not try to do a JV with an unstable government, that's for sure.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Avalanche
The rock has already fallen, the avalanche is about to start...there's no way to stop it. It's painful to watch, painful to be so close to it. I really just want to hide and protect him, but I'm not that person anymore, if I ever was. And everyone will find out regardless; it'll be a little too glaringly obvious. I feel somewhat lost as to God's purpose. I realize that He has a plan, that everything going on has a purpose regardless of mistakes made... but I still don't completely understand. I guess I have to be alright with never understanding though, because His purpose may not be for anything anytime soon. It just amazes and scares me that He could make a blessing out of a mistake. Even if he doesn't realize it's a blessing yet. He definitely won't feel like it is anytime soon. It really scares me.
I finally sat down and talked to one of the pastors about the situation. It felt good to finally talk to someone about it, to get things off my chest that have been suffocating me for weeks. It helped that he already knew the situation, so I didn't feel like I was spreading things that didn't necessarily concern me. He had some really good insight and advice, helped guide me on how to handle things.
I've typed about a dozen different things in this paragraph to say, but I've deleted all of them. I basically don't know how to end this post. So we'll bring it back to Scripture with the verse of the day...
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”- Isaiah 55:8-9
I finally sat down and talked to one of the pastors about the situation. It felt good to finally talk to someone about it, to get things off my chest that have been suffocating me for weeks. It helped that he already knew the situation, so I didn't feel like I was spreading things that didn't necessarily concern me. He had some really good insight and advice, helped guide me on how to handle things.
I've typed about a dozen different things in this paragraph to say, but I've deleted all of them. I basically don't know how to end this post. So we'll bring it back to Scripture with the verse of the day...
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”- Isaiah 55:8-9
Saturday, February 28, 2009
PJ Day No More
Pajama Day has already been ruined, just an hour into it! But for good reason... Jon Day called because he's in town, so a bunch of us are going out to see a movie. Friends are a good enough excuse to ditch P.J.D. and join the real world =)
PJ Day
Minus the fact that I had to throw in clothes for a random dash to Walmart to pick up cat litter and other supplies this morning, I have deemed today Pajama Day! I plan to be very productive, but this plan includes nice comfy pjs in the warmth of my own house today. If Andrew Liveris can declare random Safety Days without any notice, I can certainly declare Pajama Day!
Friday, February 27, 2009
The City of Angels
Now that it is Friday, I'll post about last weekend =) Last weekend, I went out to L.A. to help my best friend Sarah with wedding planning details. Besides the awful mess of trying to get out there Thursday night when the plane had mechanical problems just as we were about to take off, forcing us to rearrange flights and leave Friday, it was a very good trip (and, in truth, that might have actually made it an even better trip since it meant no mechanical problems after we took off!).
It was a very productive weekend; we found her wedding dress, picked out bridesmaid dresses, picked out flowers and colors, went to food tastings for the lunch, and picked out invitations. Oh, and I finally got to meet her fiance! It was weird considering I went through all of her previous relationships with her since we were always together through college, and I knew each guy very well. And now she's been dating this guy for a year, she's getting ready to meet The One, and although I've heard so much about him, I hadn't even met the guy yet! Even my family got the opportunity to meet him a year ago when he came with Sarah out to Colorado... Nevertheless, I know he's a fantastic guy, and I fully trust Sarah's judgment.
Their relationship in one weekend actually became a huge example to me. It's funny because Sarah has always been an example to me, she has always been one step ahead of me, and I very strongly look up to her as a Christian example, even if she's learning just as much as I am. I'm really impressed with the relationship she has with Richard, how God-centered it is, and how He is what they both strive for, and that is what has brought them together. I asked Richard why he fell for her, and his answer was that she has such an inviting beauty, that she opens herself up in the right ways and calls him to be a great man of God.
She was telling me about their premarital counseling and whatnot, and she told me about one of their struggles that she learned a lot from. She's a very strong woman needless to say. She has no quams about taking charge in things, especially if she feels like something needs to change. The example she presented me was the fact that they were both going to a church that after a while they were becoming very unsatisfied with. They made a commitment to their pastor that they would stay and support it while he was on a two month mission trip because he had been holding things together and building it up, and he had a feeling that it would fall if people began abandoning it while he was gone. After about a month, Sarah was tired of it and wanted to find another church. She kept pushing Richard to begin looking, but Richard needed time to think it through. She said that one Sunday morning at church, she gave Richard an ultimatum, and wrote down on a piece of paper that the following weekend, she was going to a different church, and he could choose to stay or go with her. She and Richard talked about this later, and they talked to their pastor and another close friend, and what came out of it was that in the relationship, the man is supposed to be the leader. Yes, the woman has a great say in the matter, but it is ultimately the man's decision. The woman, in submission to the man, follows his lead, just as the Bible tells us. Richard needed time to think things through and make the best decision he could, and Sarah needed to give him that time and allow him to lead her. I know I'm not explaining this in the depth that they told me the story, and there was a lot more discussion, but I was really struck by how here and in other instances over the weekend, they really strived to bring everything back to God and what His word says. I learned an amazing amount from them just in a couple of days. It makes me long for a relationship like that, but it also showed me that it is very real, that relationships like that aren't lost nowadays, and that I really need to remember patience better if I'm to let God lead me to what He has planned for me. And to focus only on Him and stop worrying about what people think around me.
I heard the best quote a while ago, it seems very fitting for my random Sarah and Richard relationship rant, and a good way to end this post:
"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her."
It was a very productive weekend; we found her wedding dress, picked out bridesmaid dresses, picked out flowers and colors, went to food tastings for the lunch, and picked out invitations. Oh, and I finally got to meet her fiance! It was weird considering I went through all of her previous relationships with her since we were always together through college, and I knew each guy very well. And now she's been dating this guy for a year, she's getting ready to meet The One, and although I've heard so much about him, I hadn't even met the guy yet! Even my family got the opportunity to meet him a year ago when he came with Sarah out to Colorado... Nevertheless, I know he's a fantastic guy, and I fully trust Sarah's judgment.
Their relationship in one weekend actually became a huge example to me. It's funny because Sarah has always been an example to me, she has always been one step ahead of me, and I very strongly look up to her as a Christian example, even if she's learning just as much as I am. I'm really impressed with the relationship she has with Richard, how God-centered it is, and how He is what they both strive for, and that is what has brought them together. I asked Richard why he fell for her, and his answer was that she has such an inviting beauty, that she opens herself up in the right ways and calls him to be a great man of God.
She was telling me about their premarital counseling and whatnot, and she told me about one of their struggles that she learned a lot from. She's a very strong woman needless to say. She has no quams about taking charge in things, especially if she feels like something needs to change. The example she presented me was the fact that they were both going to a church that after a while they were becoming very unsatisfied with. They made a commitment to their pastor that they would stay and support it while he was on a two month mission trip because he had been holding things together and building it up, and he had a feeling that it would fall if people began abandoning it while he was gone. After about a month, Sarah was tired of it and wanted to find another church. She kept pushing Richard to begin looking, but Richard needed time to think it through. She said that one Sunday morning at church, she gave Richard an ultimatum, and wrote down on a piece of paper that the following weekend, she was going to a different church, and he could choose to stay or go with her. She and Richard talked about this later, and they talked to their pastor and another close friend, and what came out of it was that in the relationship, the man is supposed to be the leader. Yes, the woman has a great say in the matter, but it is ultimately the man's decision. The woman, in submission to the man, follows his lead, just as the Bible tells us. Richard needed time to think things through and make the best decision he could, and Sarah needed to give him that time and allow him to lead her. I know I'm not explaining this in the depth that they told me the story, and there was a lot more discussion, but I was really struck by how here and in other instances over the weekend, they really strived to bring everything back to God and what His word says. I learned an amazing amount from them just in a couple of days. It makes me long for a relationship like that, but it also showed me that it is very real, that relationships like that aren't lost nowadays, and that I really need to remember patience better if I'm to let God lead me to what He has planned for me. And to focus only on Him and stop worrying about what people think around me.
I heard the best quote a while ago, it seems very fitting for my random Sarah and Richard relationship rant, and a good way to end this post:
"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her."
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Chasing the Wrong Thing
I love and hate when you come to realizations that are obvious, that you preach to others, and yet something has to hit you over the head pretty hard or you have to make mistakes yourself to see it. I hate making mistakes, I hate knowing that I'm weak and can't do things on my own. But I do love the lessons that God gives me in them, and how He teaches me that I am strong in Him, never in myself. I only hope that as I grow, I learn fewer of my lessons through mistakes made by my own stubborn will.
Having said that, I've been letting myself get distracted from God as of late. I realized this when I was studying recently and realized that I haven't sat down to do that in a while. I know why. I've let myself be sweettalked into distraction, and even if it wasn't completely conscious, I didn't even fight it. I lost my focus and let my guard down. Stupid stupid. I had such a desire to help at a time when someone else is making the worst decisions and has completely lost their own focus, that I allowed myself to be distracted too. And I got hurt by it, by the lies and the truth, because I had expected more from someone who is just as fallen as I am. I realize I'm being very cryptic, but there are personal details that are not my own that I can't disclose, stories that I'm not a part of, only know about. I can't say that I'm over this bump, but I'm being concious about this. I prayed last night before going out. I kept verses in my head so that my focus stayed with God through the night. And it worked; I was so much stronger, I didn't struggle or fall for words that had previously gotten to me. I need to work harder on this, I need to give God control and let Him lead me rather than be led away. And I know I'll struggle with it, I know I'm having trouble being weak and letting myself be sweet talked with words that mean nothing. But knowing is half the battle, right? Now I just need to keep all focus in God, knowing that He has better days and better plans for me than what I can make for myself.
"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." -1 Cor 10:12-13
Having said that, I've been letting myself get distracted from God as of late. I realized this when I was studying recently and realized that I haven't sat down to do that in a while. I know why. I've let myself be sweettalked into distraction, and even if it wasn't completely conscious, I didn't even fight it. I lost my focus and let my guard down. Stupid stupid. I had such a desire to help at a time when someone else is making the worst decisions and has completely lost their own focus, that I allowed myself to be distracted too. And I got hurt by it, by the lies and the truth, because I had expected more from someone who is just as fallen as I am. I realize I'm being very cryptic, but there are personal details that are not my own that I can't disclose, stories that I'm not a part of, only know about. I can't say that I'm over this bump, but I'm being concious about this. I prayed last night before going out. I kept verses in my head so that my focus stayed with God through the night. And it worked; I was so much stronger, I didn't struggle or fall for words that had previously gotten to me. I need to work harder on this, I need to give God control and let Him lead me rather than be led away. And I know I'll struggle with it, I know I'm having trouble being weak and letting myself be sweet talked with words that mean nothing. But knowing is half the battle, right? Now I just need to keep all focus in God, knowing that He has better days and better plans for me than what I can make for myself.
"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." -1 Cor 10:12-13
Monday, February 9, 2009
Michigan Tech
I had a fabulous weekend this weekend. And not just because I wore my roomie pants. My friends and I went up to Michigan Tech for the weekend for their annual Winter Carnival. My four friends all went to Mich Tech (well, 3 of the 4 did...Kat is married to Ryan and was there for almost all 4 years anyway). We packed all 5 of us into Ryan and Kat's SUV and made the 8 hour trek to Houghton. This was my first time in the U.P., as well as over the famous Mackinac Bridge, so it was a treat for me, even in the dead of winter when everything was covered in layers of snow. It made me really want to go back in the summer/fall when I'm sure the entire area is breathtaking, since it was quite beautiful in the middle of winter. But then again, I love winter as long as each day is not a subzero temperature (which it was not this weekend, thank God!)
We then packed ourselves all into one hotel room, which put me on an air mattress by the window. I was very happy that I brought a sleeping bag and comforter because there was absolutely no other place to put the air mattress, and being by the window meant I was a lot colder than everyone else, who tended to sleep with the covers half off because they were decently warm. We did well though coordinating the single bathroom, I was pretty proud of us.
They gave me a tour of campus and reminisced about their college glory days, which made me long to go back to Golden and walk through my old Chem E building and such. It was neat to see a school that was so similar to mine, which is pretty unique since we have the small nerdy engineering schools. Their Winter Carnival included some really impressive ice sculpture competitions, broomball tournaments, and some other random student activities that we as old people did not go to. We did have the opportunity to go to one of the Mich Tech hockey games though, and the team they played was none other than Colorado College! They're the only pretty decent team we have in Colorado as far as college hockey goes, and since they're based in Colorado Springs, I've grown up hearing about them. It was pretty cool that they were in town. It also meant that I ruited for them, which no one around me liked... Good thing the game was a tie in the end. However, Mich Tech beat them the next day pretty hard.
Right after the hockey game as we're walking out, there were people yelling something about a free concert. I stop and look at one of the posters and see that it is Seventh Day Slumber and The Afters, two Christian bands that I've heard quite a bit on the radio. I get excited and tell Kat, who I know also listens to Christian rock, and she got more excited than I did. Which was good, because none of the others cared, and when I started feeling guilty about going, and she talked to Ryan and said she really wanted to stay and they should go on without us and pick us up later. It worked out perfectly, Kat and I enjoyed the entire concert together, and the others did their own thing and picked us up at the end. I also got a child to sponsor while I was there because The Afters heavily support Compassion International, and since I've been wanting to do the sponsor thing for a while, I figured no better time than now. I later found out Compassion International is based in Co. Springs, which makes it even cooler! Apparently I never realized how freakishly awesome my hometown is because I hear about it constantly out here in Michigan, which seems a bit odd to me. I digress.
We also hung out with a bunch of their old friends that were back for Carnival or are still in grad school. It was nice to be meeting new people and be in a new atmosphere for a change, very refreshing. Mandy and Jon also took the opportunity to try to play matchmaker for me and one of Jon's friends. First of all, let me state that I do not like Matchmaker. In fact, as soon as someone tries to do that, it makes me instantly want to run away. Bad bad! However, to give them some credit, he was a pretty great guy and strong Christian. In fact, he was pretty much everything I've been thinking lately would be the perfect guy. It was pretty obvious he is strong in his faith, he is super active and does a million different outdoor activities, he's a geophysicist currently going for his masters, and he is well traveled, partly because companies all over the globe have him come do work for them. He just got back from Guatemala last month and is headed to Alaska soon. He is the quintessential perfect guy as far as my definition has been shaped lately. And he was definitely interested, that was obvious. However, the problem, which is always a big problem when it comes to this stuff, was that I was not interested. I've been questioning why I wasn't interested though. My reasons are basically that he is a quite shy guy that is not flirtatious, and because he looks young, like he's still in high school. I just wonder if I'm not being vain or just looking for the things that I've liked in the past, which tends to be the louder guys that are very social. I've decided it doesn't actually matter right now since Houghton is 8 hours away, and we can be pen pals. If it's something God has in store for me, then I can only pray that he opens my eyes. Or maybe it was just Him telling me that just because I have the perfect guy made up in my mind doesn't mean that's what he has in store for me and that's not really what I actually want. He does know me better than anyone, including myself.
At any rate, after another long car trip back, I made it home and basically passed out last night. It was a very refreshing weekend though, and I truly appreciated the opportunity to get out for a few days. I feel much more ready to take things on here again, and at least for now feel a lot less anxious. Jeff and I are on somewhat talking terms again too...not talking that much, but we've reconciled and both agree that as long as we keep good boundaries as friends, then we shouldn't need silly games. We'll see what happens with that, but it has at least put me at rest that I can communicate with him if need be without feeling like it's an awkward mess. Our friendship may not be the same anymore, but I have to understand that and not let that get to me. I'm just thankful that we're at least being civil.
And that was my weekend in a huge nutshell. It might have to be a coconut shell to hold all of my thoughts...maybe I need to take lessons on condensed blog post writing because I have clearly been failing in the keep it short and sweet category on this blog! So if you've made it this far, kudos my faithful reader. And better luck next time =)
We then packed ourselves all into one hotel room, which put me on an air mattress by the window. I was very happy that I brought a sleeping bag and comforter because there was absolutely no other place to put the air mattress, and being by the window meant I was a lot colder than everyone else, who tended to sleep with the covers half off because they were decently warm. We did well though coordinating the single bathroom, I was pretty proud of us.
They gave me a tour of campus and reminisced about their college glory days, which made me long to go back to Golden and walk through my old Chem E building and such. It was neat to see a school that was so similar to mine, which is pretty unique since we have the small nerdy engineering schools. Their Winter Carnival included some really impressive ice sculpture competitions, broomball tournaments, and some other random student activities that we as old people did not go to. We did have the opportunity to go to one of the Mich Tech hockey games though, and the team they played was none other than Colorado College! They're the only pretty decent team we have in Colorado as far as college hockey goes, and since they're based in Colorado Springs, I've grown up hearing about them. It was pretty cool that they were in town. It also meant that I ruited for them, which no one around me liked... Good thing the game was a tie in the end. However, Mich Tech beat them the next day pretty hard.
Right after the hockey game as we're walking out, there were people yelling something about a free concert. I stop and look at one of the posters and see that it is Seventh Day Slumber and The Afters, two Christian bands that I've heard quite a bit on the radio. I get excited and tell Kat, who I know also listens to Christian rock, and she got more excited than I did. Which was good, because none of the others cared, and when I started feeling guilty about going, and she talked to Ryan and said she really wanted to stay and they should go on without us and pick us up later. It worked out perfectly, Kat and I enjoyed the entire concert together, and the others did their own thing and picked us up at the end. I also got a child to sponsor while I was there because The Afters heavily support Compassion International, and since I've been wanting to do the sponsor thing for a while, I figured no better time than now. I later found out Compassion International is based in Co. Springs, which makes it even cooler! Apparently I never realized how freakishly awesome my hometown is because I hear about it constantly out here in Michigan, which seems a bit odd to me. I digress.
We also hung out with a bunch of their old friends that were back for Carnival or are still in grad school. It was nice to be meeting new people and be in a new atmosphere for a change, very refreshing. Mandy and Jon also took the opportunity to try to play matchmaker for me and one of Jon's friends. First of all, let me state that I do not like Matchmaker. In fact, as soon as someone tries to do that, it makes me instantly want to run away. Bad bad! However, to give them some credit, he was a pretty great guy and strong Christian. In fact, he was pretty much everything I've been thinking lately would be the perfect guy. It was pretty obvious he is strong in his faith, he is super active and does a million different outdoor activities, he's a geophysicist currently going for his masters, and he is well traveled, partly because companies all over the globe have him come do work for them. He just got back from Guatemala last month and is headed to Alaska soon. He is the quintessential perfect guy as far as my definition has been shaped lately. And he was definitely interested, that was obvious. However, the problem, which is always a big problem when it comes to this stuff, was that I was not interested. I've been questioning why I wasn't interested though. My reasons are basically that he is a quite shy guy that is not flirtatious, and because he looks young, like he's still in high school. I just wonder if I'm not being vain or just looking for the things that I've liked in the past, which tends to be the louder guys that are very social. I've decided it doesn't actually matter right now since Houghton is 8 hours away, and we can be pen pals. If it's something God has in store for me, then I can only pray that he opens my eyes. Or maybe it was just Him telling me that just because I have the perfect guy made up in my mind doesn't mean that's what he has in store for me and that's not really what I actually want. He does know me better than anyone, including myself.
At any rate, after another long car trip back, I made it home and basically passed out last night. It was a very refreshing weekend though, and I truly appreciated the opportunity to get out for a few days. I feel much more ready to take things on here again, and at least for now feel a lot less anxious. Jeff and I are on somewhat talking terms again too...not talking that much, but we've reconciled and both agree that as long as we keep good boundaries as friends, then we shouldn't need silly games. We'll see what happens with that, but it has at least put me at rest that I can communicate with him if need be without feeling like it's an awkward mess. Our friendship may not be the same anymore, but I have to understand that and not let that get to me. I'm just thankful that we're at least being civil.
And that was my weekend in a huge nutshell. It might have to be a coconut shell to hold all of my thoughts...maybe I need to take lessons on condensed blog post writing because I have clearly been failing in the keep it short and sweet category on this blog! So if you've made it this far, kudos my faithful reader. And better luck next time =)
Thursday, February 5, 2009
My Own Personal Rut
I don't intend to make this my own personal whine space...though I will for this to collect my thoughts. Somehow in the last couple of months, I've fallen into a rut. A deep rut, perhaps even a hole since I haven't been able to dig myself out yet. I feel like I've taken several steps back, or more like I have started a downward spiral in the opposite direction of where I had been going, that the wonderful life that I had moved to has regressed back to what I watched my friends go through when they first moved to their new homes and were having trouble. I had high hopes that it was just that I was restless from going home for Christmas or because of all the angsty potential layoff worries. I think it has sunk in that it's more than that. It's that I don't have the friendships I've previously had. When I call people, I never call people in Midland because I no longer feel like I have friends that I can call on a dime here...I'm sure I could, but I haven't. The Jeff situation has been getting to me more in the last couple of days because it has finally sunk in that I've lost my friend. I think maybe I was being very selfish, because he was my best friend here, and I didn't want to give him up so that he could work through his feelings. But now I feel like he so easily pushed me out of his life and replaced me with others; that I never meant more to him than someone who made him feel needed, and since I stopped filling that need and he now has that in other people, I am no longer needed. That's not completely true. He called me when he needed help and couldn't get ahold of anyone else last week. And then he promptly stopped talking to me again. Maybe I shouldn't be upset because this has taken the drama out of my life, but it's hard to have your closest friend walk out of your life so swiftly without even looking back.
I know what I need to do. I've been praying, I've been going to God every time it hurts and I wonder if I'm being attacked. But I think I need to step outside of my zone and start searching for new things. I've been thinking so much about moving lately, it is so tempting to just get up and leave, it would make things so much easier. However, I know that won't be happening in the near future at least, and I can't just leave myself in a downward spiral for months on end. I need to find new things to do, I need to meet new people. Which is hard for me to even think about because it'd be so much easier to just keep floating along...it's not like I haven't kept busy, my schedule has actually been packed. But in an unsatisfying way. So do I keep fighting with my mind, which on one hand tells me I'm busy, I have friends, I don't need to put myself in uncomfortable situations where I know no one just to make a point to myself, but the other hand is screaming at me... I need something new, I need some change. Well, the first hand hasn't done me much good lately, so I'm thinking it's time for the second hand to do more of the slapping... and start looking.
Monday, January 26, 2009
In His Arms
I've been reading a lot lately...it is nice to have time to actually read. I feel myself falling back into an old pattern, when I used to stick to my introvertedness and read like crazy in high school. I taught myself in college to break that habit; it helped that I lived with two of my best friends, who were much more extroverted than I, and that I didn't have time to keep up with books when school sucked up as much time as possible. Then, moving out to Michigan, there was always something to do, my schedule was always so full. My schedule has started emptying as of late, and I appreciate that I have time to just relax and sink into books. I think I worried myself the other day that I was going to trap myself back into my old introvert prison, but I've decided I'm just going to enjoy this while it lasts.
The books I've been reading as of late talk primarily about a relationship between a guy and a girl... it's a high school relationship, so of course it is obsessive and full of drama. But it is intense and passionate. The way the author describes it... I have trouble with it because I feel like that sort of love isn't actually possible in this world. I completely understood the girl's pain when the guy left thinking he was protecting her, but I can't completely comprehend the feelings between them both. Or at least I was thinking that I'd never experience it.
In the books, they often just lay in her bed and talk until she drifts off to sleep, and he stays by her side to keep her safe and warm. I can understand this, although it hurts just a little. I have to say, this is one of my biggest struggles in a relationship. I became a Christian in college, and prior to that, I had no concept of what was right in a relationship. I hadn't even been in a relationship before I became a Christian. I think God was holding me off because He knew that I would have no reason to hold off on things that I would regret later. Anyways, when I actually did get into college and in a relationship, I started watching the Christians around me and their relationships, wanting a model for what Godly relationships were like. It changed the way I perceived relationships in a lot of ways.
However, one of the things I noticed was that everyone would still stay the night with the other person. It was normal that even though you were careful and didn't go past cuddling and sleeping, it wasn't a big deal in any way to spend the night together and sleep in the same bed. So I saw this as alright by Christian standards because you weren't breaking any rules.
The only time I rethought this at all during college was when my best friend Sarah made the choice that she would not do that ever again until she was married. Sarah had walked away from God our freshman year and ended up in a relationship that was sexual and not healthy. She left him and came back go God, but she still had those memories. She talked about the temptation, and that since she had felt that, she wanted it more, and needed to be more careful to remove it from her life so that she couldn't fall into it. I really respected her for recognizing that and being strong enough to remove it. It wasn't until I moved away that I rethought it for myself. No, it was not a sexual temptation for me, but it could be a temptation in itself. It's like an addiction, being able to lay in someone's arms and be that close to them, that safe and warm. I think it's an attachment that isn't meant to be shared with everyone. I had made a decision that it was something I shouldn't do anymore. But when I started dating Jeff, he would find ways to stay over even though I told him to leave... he knew how to put me to sleep by playing with my hair, or would talk until I gave in. It's not like it was completely his fault; I was weak, I let myself be weak. And he was persistent. It was not good. We discussed it and agreed we should stop, but I think he felt rejected when I would walk him to my door and force him out rather than letting him put me to bed, that I put up walls to ensure it stopped. It was hard, and it didn't always work. But I know I need to be stronger; watching our relationship and what happened with it, I know I don't want that, I don't want to be in something where I feel weak and far away from God. It's an extremely painful lesson.
On Saturday, I had gotten up early to start my morning right before meeting up with Janell to hang out, giving myself enough time to read a chapter from my book. It was the chapter when he was leaving her... he was starting to pull away, so he stopped staying with her at night, and she was having a hard time sleeping, fighting nightmares. It was agonizing, and it really affected me. I was down about it for most of the morning. I was tired of listening to all of the love songs on the radio, so I started flipping through stations, hoping I had one of the obnoxious screaming rock stations still saved in my presets. I ended up falling on KLove, which I almost never listen to. The song playing was God saying that he was by my side always, that His hands were holding me, that He was there when I slept. I started crying pretty hard. I listened after the song ended to find out what song it was, I desperately wanted the song as soon as I got home, and the first thing the DJ said was that he knew that song was being played for someone, that someone out there desperately needed to hear that. Maybe there are multiple people God played that for, but I know I desperately needed it. It was convicting and breaking at the same time, and it instantly changed me.
I'm so amazed at Him, I still don't completely understand this love that He continually gives me unrelentingly, I don't feel like I deserve it. But I realize it doesn't matter. And that He is holding me the way I long to be held, keeping me safe and warm. That's all I need, and I find strength in that. I know that in Him I can overcome my temptations and my weakness, that He is loves me passionately, and that I'm hurting us both when I run to others to find what He offers me so freely. I am having trouble understanding it, I'm having trouble thinking that it is possible that I could be loved that way. But He keeps teaching me, calling to me, and all I want is to run to Him.
"Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go"
~"By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North
The books I've been reading as of late talk primarily about a relationship between a guy and a girl... it's a high school relationship, so of course it is obsessive and full of drama. But it is intense and passionate. The way the author describes it... I have trouble with it because I feel like that sort of love isn't actually possible in this world. I completely understood the girl's pain when the guy left thinking he was protecting her, but I can't completely comprehend the feelings between them both. Or at least I was thinking that I'd never experience it.
In the books, they often just lay in her bed and talk until she drifts off to sleep, and he stays by her side to keep her safe and warm. I can understand this, although it hurts just a little. I have to say, this is one of my biggest struggles in a relationship. I became a Christian in college, and prior to that, I had no concept of what was right in a relationship. I hadn't even been in a relationship before I became a Christian. I think God was holding me off because He knew that I would have no reason to hold off on things that I would regret later. Anyways, when I actually did get into college and in a relationship, I started watching the Christians around me and their relationships, wanting a model for what Godly relationships were like. It changed the way I perceived relationships in a lot of ways.
However, one of the things I noticed was that everyone would still stay the night with the other person. It was normal that even though you were careful and didn't go past cuddling and sleeping, it wasn't a big deal in any way to spend the night together and sleep in the same bed. So I saw this as alright by Christian standards because you weren't breaking any rules.
The only time I rethought this at all during college was when my best friend Sarah made the choice that she would not do that ever again until she was married. Sarah had walked away from God our freshman year and ended up in a relationship that was sexual and not healthy. She left him and came back go God, but she still had those memories. She talked about the temptation, and that since she had felt that, she wanted it more, and needed to be more careful to remove it from her life so that she couldn't fall into it. I really respected her for recognizing that and being strong enough to remove it. It wasn't until I moved away that I rethought it for myself. No, it was not a sexual temptation for me, but it could be a temptation in itself. It's like an addiction, being able to lay in someone's arms and be that close to them, that safe and warm. I think it's an attachment that isn't meant to be shared with everyone. I had made a decision that it was something I shouldn't do anymore. But when I started dating Jeff, he would find ways to stay over even though I told him to leave... he knew how to put me to sleep by playing with my hair, or would talk until I gave in. It's not like it was completely his fault; I was weak, I let myself be weak. And he was persistent. It was not good. We discussed it and agreed we should stop, but I think he felt rejected when I would walk him to my door and force him out rather than letting him put me to bed, that I put up walls to ensure it stopped. It was hard, and it didn't always work. But I know I need to be stronger; watching our relationship and what happened with it, I know I don't want that, I don't want to be in something where I feel weak and far away from God. It's an extremely painful lesson.
On Saturday, I had gotten up early to start my morning right before meeting up with Janell to hang out, giving myself enough time to read a chapter from my book. It was the chapter when he was leaving her... he was starting to pull away, so he stopped staying with her at night, and she was having a hard time sleeping, fighting nightmares. It was agonizing, and it really affected me. I was down about it for most of the morning. I was tired of listening to all of the love songs on the radio, so I started flipping through stations, hoping I had one of the obnoxious screaming rock stations still saved in my presets. I ended up falling on KLove, which I almost never listen to. The song playing was God saying that he was by my side always, that His hands were holding me, that He was there when I slept. I started crying pretty hard. I listened after the song ended to find out what song it was, I desperately wanted the song as soon as I got home, and the first thing the DJ said was that he knew that song was being played for someone, that someone out there desperately needed to hear that. Maybe there are multiple people God played that for, but I know I desperately needed it. It was convicting and breaking at the same time, and it instantly changed me.
I'm so amazed at Him, I still don't completely understand this love that He continually gives me unrelentingly, I don't feel like I deserve it. But I realize it doesn't matter. And that He is holding me the way I long to be held, keeping me safe and warm. That's all I need, and I find strength in that. I know that in Him I can overcome my temptations and my weakness, that He is loves me passionately, and that I'm hurting us both when I run to others to find what He offers me so freely. I am having trouble understanding it, I'm having trouble thinking that it is possible that I could be loved that way. But He keeps teaching me, calling to me, and all I want is to run to Him.
"Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go"
~"By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Relationships
I'm really struggling right now with the situation with Jeff, my ex-boyfriend. We had broken up on mutual terms and worked on building a friendship together. However, that proved harder than either of us thought, and we got caught telling each other we missed each other and still loved one another still. Bad news. We agreed we both needed to take steps back and not see each other as much, especially alone. Yet he would show up at my apartment to see me still, and then be hurt when I refused to touch him or be close to him. He wanted me to come with him to his friend's wedding this weekend, which I told him was not a good idea, and then he was hurt when he asked if I wanted him to stop by so I could see him in his tux and I said no. Finally, over the weekend, he said something I thought was inappropriate, and I got pretty mad. He then told me that all we've ever done is fight since we broke up, and that he has not yet gotten any sort of break from me, and that he thinks it would be best for us to stop talking completely. I wasn't very happy about this either because I wasn't having issues talking. However, since we stopped talking, I know he's been telling people about it. I realize he is a relational person and needs to be able to talk things through, but I feel like he has gone to mutual friends in an effort to get them on his side, and I feel somewhat betrayed. I changed settings on my online calendar so that he couldn't see what I was doing, but could still see busy/available, without realizing that would send him an email. He then told everyone that I was trying to contact him and was having a hard time with this. He has contacted me several times this week through texts, and I've politely wrote back with as little as possible (because I frankly don't know how to be rude enough to ignore anyone completely). He is also telling everyone that this is for my good, and that he needs to step up to be the man and the leader. I agree with that, but I don't think he has done that.
I'm thinking that cutting each other off may actually be the best thing now, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to continue it even after the one week is over. I'd rather not give him more to tell other people about; I've never had someone gossip about me and tear me down to others so much in my entire life. I had really thought that we could still have a good friendship after ending our relationship, I thought this was going to be the best case scenario of things not working out....apparently it really is impossible to be friends after a relationship ends.
I'm thinking that cutting each other off may actually be the best thing now, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to continue it even after the one week is over. I'd rather not give him more to tell other people about; I've never had someone gossip about me and tear me down to others so much in my entire life. I had really thought that we could still have a good friendship after ending our relationship, I thought this was going to be the best case scenario of things not working out....apparently it really is impossible to be friends after a relationship ends.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Trials and Temptations
Trials
I'm struggling right now. I'm not happy with where I am, and I don't know that I want to be here anymore. Outside of my friends from work, I feel like my relationships aren't very true here- they're for the most part superficial and easily ignored to others. I've been struggling with this for a month now. In addition, work is currently going through layoffs. At first, I was not affected by these at all. But as time has progressed and the company has gotten into further trouble, it has become apparent that it is a very real possibility. That was made more real when I found out that a friend found out on Thursday that he will be laid off. It is becoming a scary reality.
In the midst of all of this though, God is speaking pretty clearly. We're studying James in church as well as small group. The topic has been trials and temptations. It seems like this has been what God has been saying to me at all angles, because the verses of the day that I've heard have been about this all week, and it has come from quite a few other places also.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2-3
It is definitely hard to find joy in trials. If my whole world is turned upside down and I am feeling completely lost, how am I supposed to be joyful? However, looking through some of the trials I've experienced in college and how God has worked His hand in my life, I know that He always has a plan, and that I will come out on the other side to where He wants me to be. Every trial has a lesson, and every trial is also an opportunity to be a testament to God and be a light to others. However, just because God puts us through trials doesn't mean we're going to come out of them shining; they require an active response from us.
Temptations
"But each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." James 1:14-15
Jeff has been a temptation to me since we broke up, because there are times when we start falling back into each other, allowing ourselves to tell each other we miss one another or saying I love you. I had it in my mind that it was the devil tempting me, but I'm pretty sure that it was in fact my own desire that I allowed to tempt me. Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes in his book "Temptation": "Satan does not fill us with hatred for God, but with forgetfulness of God." Reminds me of the Screwtape Letters. It is much easier to fall into temptation when you block God from your thoughts and focus on what you want.
"Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:16-17
The final point in James this past week shifts back to God's goodness and how, when we focus on Him and chase His good, temptations dissolve. Rather than always trying to fight away temptation and constantly work on battling it, our focus should be running after God in all things, and those temptations will naturally disappear. We must "refuse and remove" temptation, remove it from our lives...when it presents itself, don't battle it, but walk away from it and toward God. I've been working on this very actively, and though it can be hard when it comes again and again, I'm finding that God is teaching me to watch only Him, and with Him, I can overcome anything.
I'm struggling right now. I'm not happy with where I am, and I don't know that I want to be here anymore. Outside of my friends from work, I feel like my relationships aren't very true here- they're for the most part superficial and easily ignored to others. I've been struggling with this for a month now. In addition, work is currently going through layoffs. At first, I was not affected by these at all. But as time has progressed and the company has gotten into further trouble, it has become apparent that it is a very real possibility. That was made more real when I found out that a friend found out on Thursday that he will be laid off. It is becoming a scary reality.
In the midst of all of this though, God is speaking pretty clearly. We're studying James in church as well as small group. The topic has been trials and temptations. It seems like this has been what God has been saying to me at all angles, because the verses of the day that I've heard have been about this all week, and it has come from quite a few other places also.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2-3
It is definitely hard to find joy in trials. If my whole world is turned upside down and I am feeling completely lost, how am I supposed to be joyful? However, looking through some of the trials I've experienced in college and how God has worked His hand in my life, I know that He always has a plan, and that I will come out on the other side to where He wants me to be. Every trial has a lesson, and every trial is also an opportunity to be a testament to God and be a light to others. However, just because God puts us through trials doesn't mean we're going to come out of them shining; they require an active response from us.
Temptations
"But each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." James 1:14-15
Jeff has been a temptation to me since we broke up, because there are times when we start falling back into each other, allowing ourselves to tell each other we miss one another or saying I love you. I had it in my mind that it was the devil tempting me, but I'm pretty sure that it was in fact my own desire that I allowed to tempt me. Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes in his book "Temptation": "Satan does not fill us with hatred for God, but with forgetfulness of God." Reminds me of the Screwtape Letters. It is much easier to fall into temptation when you block God from your thoughts and focus on what you want.
"Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:16-17
The final point in James this past week shifts back to God's goodness and how, when we focus on Him and chase His good, temptations dissolve. Rather than always trying to fight away temptation and constantly work on battling it, our focus should be running after God in all things, and those temptations will naturally disappear. We must "refuse and remove" temptation, remove it from our lives...when it presents itself, don't battle it, but walk away from it and toward God. I've been working on this very actively, and though it can be hard when it comes again and again, I'm finding that God is teaching me to watch only Him, and with Him, I can overcome anything.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Post Numero Uno
So I've debated over starting a blog for quite a while now, and I gave in because I really want to start journaling my thoughts about God and all that He is teaching me, and I'd rather share it than keep it to myself. Now that said, that doesn't mean I want the entire world to see this =) I just want it available. Therefore, if this gets around, then maybe I'll have to pull out the old pen and paper. But we'll give it a shot. You'll have to wait for more later though...
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