In His Arms

I've been reading a lot lately...it is nice to have time to actually read. I feel myself falling back into an old pattern, when I used to stick to my introvertedness and read like crazy in high school. I taught myself in college to break that habit; it helped that I lived with two of my best friends, who were much more extroverted than I, and that I didn't have time to keep up with books when school sucked up as much time as possible. Then, moving out to Michigan, there was always something to do, my schedule was always so full. My schedule has started emptying as of late, and I appreciate that I have time to just relax and sink into books. I think I worried myself the other day that I was going to trap myself back into my old introvert prison, but I've decided I'm just going to enjoy this while it lasts.

The books I've been reading as of late talk primarily about a relationship between a guy and a girl... it's a high school relationship, so of course it is obsessive and full of drama. But it is intense and passionate. The way the author describes it... I have trouble with it because I feel like that sort of love isn't actually possible in this world. I completely understood the girl's pain when the guy left thinking he was protecting her, but I can't completely comprehend the feelings between them both. Or at least I was thinking that I'd never experience it.

In the books, they often just lay in her bed and talk until she drifts off to sleep, and he stays by her side to keep her safe and warm. I can understand this, although it hurts just a little. I have to say, this is one of my biggest struggles in a relationship. I became a Christian in college, and prior to that, I had no concept of what was right in a relationship. I hadn't even been in a relationship before I became a Christian. I think God was holding me off because He knew that I would have no reason to hold off on things that I would regret later. Anyways, when I actually did get into college and in a relationship, I started watching the Christians around me and their relationships, wanting a model for what Godly relationships were like. It changed the way I perceived relationships in a lot of ways.

However, one of the things I noticed was that everyone would still stay the night with the other person. It was normal that even though you were careful and didn't go past cuddling and sleeping, it wasn't a big deal in any way to spend the night together and sleep in the same bed. So I saw this as alright by Christian standards because you weren't breaking any rules.

The only time I rethought this at all during college was when my best friend Sarah made the choice that she would not do that ever again until she was married. Sarah had walked away from God our freshman year and ended up in a relationship that was sexual and not healthy. She left him and came back go God, but she still had those memories. She talked about the temptation, and that since she had felt that, she wanted it more, and needed to be more careful to remove it from her life so that she couldn't fall into it. I really respected her for recognizing that and being strong enough to remove it. It wasn't until I moved away that I rethought it for myself. No, it was not a sexual temptation for me, but it could be a temptation in itself. It's like an addiction, being able to lay in someone's arms and be that close to them, that safe and warm. I think it's an attachment that isn't meant to be shared with everyone. I had made a decision that it was something I shouldn't do anymore. But when I started dating Jeff, he would find ways to stay over even though I told him to leave... he knew how to put me to sleep by playing with my hair, or would talk until I gave in. It's not like it was completely his fault; I was weak, I let myself be weak. And he was persistent. It was not good. We discussed it and agreed we should stop, but I think he felt rejected when I would walk him to my door and force him out rather than letting him put me to bed, that I put up walls to ensure it stopped. It was hard, and it didn't always work. But I know I need to be stronger; watching our relationship and what happened with it, I know I don't want that, I don't want to be in something where I feel weak and far away from God. It's an extremely painful lesson.

On Saturday, I had gotten up early to start my morning right before meeting up with Janell to hang out, giving myself enough time to read a chapter from my book. It was the chapter when he was leaving her... he was starting to pull away, so he stopped staying with her at night, and she was having a hard time sleeping, fighting nightmares. It was agonizing, and it really affected me. I was down about it for most of the morning. I was tired of listening to all of the love songs on the radio, so I started flipping through stations, hoping I had one of the obnoxious screaming rock stations still saved in my presets. I ended up falling on KLove, which I almost never listen to. The song playing was God saying that he was by my side always, that His hands were holding me, that He was there when I slept. I started crying pretty hard. I listened after the song ended to find out what song it was, I desperately wanted the song as soon as I got home, and the first thing the DJ said was that he knew that song was being played for someone, that someone out there desperately needed to hear that. Maybe there are multiple people God played that for, but I know I desperately needed it. It was convicting and breaking at the same time, and it instantly changed me.

I'm so amazed at Him, I still don't completely understand this love that He continually gives me unrelentingly, I don't feel like I deserve it. But I realize it doesn't matter. And that He is holding me the way I long to be held, keeping me safe and warm. That's all I need, and I find strength in that. I know that in Him I can overcome my temptations and my weakness, that He is loves me passionately, and that I'm hurting us both when I run to others to find what He offers me so freely. I am having trouble understanding it, I'm having trouble thinking that it is possible that I could be loved that way. But He keeps teaching me, calling to me, and all I want is to run to Him.


"Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go"
~"By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North