My Own Personal Rut

I don't intend to make this my own personal whine space...though I will for this to collect my thoughts. Somehow in the last couple of months, I've fallen into a rut. A deep rut, perhaps even a hole since I haven't been able to dig myself out yet. I feel like I've taken several steps back, or more like I have started a downward spiral in the opposite direction of where I had been going, that the wonderful life that I had moved to has regressed back to what I watched my friends go through when they first moved to their new homes and were having trouble. I had high hopes that it was just that I was restless from going home for Christmas or because of all the angsty potential layoff worries. I think it has sunk in that it's more than that. It's that I don't have the friendships I've previously had. When I call people, I never call people in Midland because I no longer feel like I have friends that I can call on a dime here...I'm sure I could, but I haven't. The Jeff situation has been getting to me more in the last couple of days because it has finally sunk in that I've lost my friend. I think maybe I was being very selfish, because he was my best friend here, and I didn't want to give him up so that he could work through his feelings. But now I feel like he so easily pushed me out of his life and replaced me with others; that I never meant more to him than someone who made him feel needed, and since I stopped filling that need and he now has that in other people, I am no longer needed. That's not completely true. He called me when he needed help and couldn't get ahold of anyone else last week. And then he promptly stopped talking to me again. Maybe I shouldn't be upset because this has taken the drama out of my life, but it's hard to have your closest friend walk out of your life so swiftly without even looking back.

I know what I need to do. I've been praying, I've been going to God every time it hurts and I wonder if I'm being attacked. But I think I need to step outside of my zone and start searching for new things. I've been thinking so much about moving lately, it is so tempting to just get up and leave, it would make things so much easier. However, I know that won't be happening in the near future at least, and I can't just leave myself in a downward spiral for months on end. I need to find new things to do, I need to meet new people. Which is hard for me to even think about because it'd be so much easier to just keep floating along...it's not like I haven't kept busy, my schedule has actually been packed. But in an unsatisfying way. So do I keep fighting with my mind, which on one hand tells me I'm busy, I have friends, I don't need to put myself in uncomfortable situations where I know no one just to make a point to myself, but the other hand is screaming at me... I need something new, I need some change. Well, the first hand hasn't done me much good lately, so I'm thinking it's time for the second hand to do more of the slapping... and start looking.