Tear me down because you need me to be broken, breathless for you

I'm currently wondering where my will and self-control are. I don't think I'm very strong or disciplined when it comes to temptation. Take today for instance. The first Tuesday of every month is when our church fasts together. I had the choice to do it. And I chose food. I had training today, and since Dow's cost-cutting now means they refuse to feed us, a group of us went to Big Apple Bagel. It was so yummy... in an unsatisfyingly satisfying way. It's like I have no discipline. I told myself I'd just skip dinner and breakfast and not eat until lunch tomorrow. Except then I ate dinner, telling myself I'd skip breakfast and lunch tomorrow. At this point, even if I do, I think I've defeated the purpose.

I think I need to take the time to really meditate on the purpose of fasting, and my purpose in it, rather than just doing it because the church does it. I have actually chosen in the past not to do it with the church because I have heard of times when not even the staff remembered to do it, and I felt like it was just a check-the-box activity that lacked a truly spiritual purpose. However, I also feel like our church is in trouble and needs serious prayer, and I want to fast with the focus of lifting it up to God. I want it to be purposeful to bring me closer to God, closer to the model shown to us through scripture.

Isaiah: “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter -- when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?"

I'm going to pray about this more, take it to God... and work on my poor discipline when it comes to food (and maybe other things too).

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."-2Tim 1:7